It was so unexpected, so loud, so aggressive, I flinched.
Lewis saw and remorse tightened his features. His voice was quieter as he continued, “I was a kid who was scared about his future, like most kids who are asked to make decisions at seventeen years old that will affect the rest of their lives. Most of us have a wobble or two about that, Callie. But you wouldn’t allow me that. I had to be perfect, or I was fucking cut out of your life like I was nothing.”
Aghast that he saw our past like that, I shook my head, tears threatening when all I wanted was to be strong and collected. “Not true.”
“Not true?” Lewis took a step toward me. “Who actually moved on, Callie? Between the two of us?”
“We both did. You moved to London and left all of us behind.”
“I moved to a different city. That doesn’t equate to leaving everyone behind.”
“That’s how it felt.” I curled my lip in jealousy and disgust. “And God knows how many girls you shagged. By how different you were when we slept together, I’d say you’d learned alotin the seven years we were apart.”
He gave a bitter laugh and didn’t say anything for a second. Then … “I’m fucking pathetic.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m pathetic,” Lewis repeated with a sneer of self-directed contempt. “I came here to clear up the mistake Carianne made. To offer my friendship. To try to get to know each other again and build trust. And all I can think is why? You don’t see me.”
“Don’t turn this around?—”
“How many men have you slept with?”
Fury made my throat so thick, I couldn’t speak past it.
“Do you know how many women I’ve slept with?”
I didn’t want to know.
I hated him.
His gaze was unflinching. “I couldn’t sleep around. The thought of it made me feel sick. The guys at uni gave me a hard time. But it’s the way I’m wired. I can’t do casual sex. I tried first year of uni with a girl in our halls. I got so drunk in the attempt, I vomited on her lap instead.”
Though he was talking about other girls, I couldn’t help but wince in sympathy, even as my heart rate escalated.
“Then because I knew I couldn’t do hookups, I tried to date a girl in second year. Roisin. We dated for two months before I slept with her. But I couldn’t love her. Six months into the relationship, I ended it. There was no one after that. And I watched you move on in Paris. First Remy and then Gabriel. I despised the idea of you with them. It ate me up inside.”
At his confession, his haunted tone, I felt guilty, even though I knew I shouldn’t.
“So I tried to sleep with this woman at the firm I worked at. Charlotte. Took her out on my bike, went for drinks, went back to hers …” Anger and love and resentment flickered across his face. “And I couldn’t. I couldn’t sleep with her, like I couldn’t sleep with anyone else and like I couldn’t tell my girlfriend I loved her … because I’d already given myself to you.”
His jaw trembled as his eyes turned glassy with emotion. “I fell in love with you a long time ago, and I never got that part of me back. The thought of anyone else feels fucking wrong. But then I see you out there. On the street, kissing that French guy, and I think what a goddamn moron I am for holding on to something that you clearly let go of a long time ago. Because I realized that’s what I’ve been waiting for. Why I can’t be with anyone else. I’ve been holding on to hope that you and I would find our way back to each other. Told you. Pathetic.”
At my shocked silence, his jaw clenched, and he looked away. Then with a littlehuff of disbelief, he marched past me toward the door.
Reeling from his revelation, I was almost too late. Just in time, I snapped out of my stupor and I whirled. “Lewis.”
He’d pushed open the back door, but now he paused.
“I honestly don’t know if I can give you what you came here for,” I told him tearfully, “but never think that I moved on easily from you. I was … I was broken when you left.” Tears escaped before I could stop them. “I promised myself I would never love again like that. With everything. With all that I was. And I never have. There were only three men after you. The first a mistake. The second Remy and the third Gabriel. Mere distractions. Nothing more.”
“Callie—”
“I promised I’d never love anyone the way I loved you,” I reiterated through gritted teeth. “Not even you again.”
His expression fell. “Callie?—”
“I’m not …” Confused and heartsore, I shrugged helplessly. “Give me a few weeks. Some space to process everything you’ve told me.” Something like hope lit his eyes, and I didn’t want to hurt him. “I can’t promise anything. Friendship or otherwise.”
