She hesitated at my acidulous tone but then forced out, “I want you to go speak to him. To forgive him. Not for him. For you.”
Despite how I’d found her this morning, I felt a surge of anger. “Sarah … how could you even suggest such a thing? I know you’re grieving your grandfather, but my relationship with?—”
“It’s not because I think family should forgive each other because life is short,” she cut me off. “It’s because … it’s because the bitterness you feel toward him and Saffron is eating at you, whether you’re aware of it or not. We almost lost this,” she said, gesturing between us, “because of it.”
“But we didn’t,” I clipped out, my heart racing.
“I’m afraid we still might.”
Her expression from the night I told her I loved her for the first time filled my mind.“I’m scared.”
“I’m worried that if you don’t make peace with the past, it’ll find us, Theo. That you’ll walk away from me again when it begins to hurt too much.”
Angry, I huffed. “And have you had a heart-to-heart with your mother? Have you forgiven her?”
Sarah sighed wearily. “I forgave her a long time ago. People can’t help who they are. And we can waste our lives feeling bitter that they won’t change for the better for us, or we can just accept who they are and try to be better for the people we love. So that we don’t repeat their mistakes.”
I looked away, glowering, because what she said made sense. But it didn’t mean I liked it.
“I wrote an email to my mum when I was fifteen telling her how I felt. She wrote one back, bemoaning that I blamed her for everything. But it didn’t matter. Because it was good to know she was aware of my feelings. Have you ever told your father how you feel about what he did?”
I shrugged like I didn’t care. “Not in so many words.”
Sarah was quiet for a long while. Then she whispered sadly, “I only have to mention it and you pull away.”
I looked sharply at her, opening my mouth to argue … then stopping. Because she was right. “Fuck,” I bit out furiously.
Her barely there smile was sympathetic. “Just think about talking to him. Please. Do it for you. And for us.”
Studying her precious face, I suddenly experienced some of the complicated emotions I’d been writing about for years. How it was possible to adore someone with every fiber of your being … and yet resent them a little, too, for having such power over you.
Sarah had such power over me.
And it would make me promise something I never thought I could. “I’ll think about it. Now come here.” I drew her into my arms and cuddled her against me. “Let’s talk of nicer things this Christmas morning. Why don’t you tell me about your first Christmas with your grandparents?”
I felt her smile against my chest before she began to talk. Eventually, her words soothed me, my heartbeat found a calmer pace, and I let myself forget about the promise I’d made.
At least for a little while.
Thirty-Two
SARAH
It was difficult to leave Jared after Christmas. We’d intended to stay through New Year’s, but DCI English had asked Theo to come to New Scotland Yard in London. His call came only four days after Christmas.
Jared assured me he was fine and would spend New Year’s Eve at the Gloaming with the rest of the village. Still, I felt like I was abandoning him, torn between my cousin, who’d been there for me for the last few years, and Theo, who was hurting over these murders.
It was my cousin who’d decided for me because he’d seen Theo’s pain too.
“He needs you,” Jared told me while I was wavering over what to do.
And Theo had been there for me while I grieved Grandpa. Despite my fears—despite so far being unable to choke out the wordsI love you, even though it was obvious to everyone I felt them—I needed Theo to know he could count on me.
Sitting curled up on the large couch in Theo’s London flat, I stared out at the buildings that stretched along Half Moon Street. The sky peeked above the proud rooflines, cloudy anddark and ominous. It matched the roiling in my gut. I’d wanted to accompany Theo to Scotland Yard, but the police wouldn’t let me join the discussion and Theo saw no reason in dragging me along.
I’d protested that I just wanted to be with him, but I got the feeling in the end that Theo needed space to process. I understood that.
My phone rang in my lap, startling me, and I scrambled to pick it up, fumbling and dropping it before I finally got a look at the screen. Even though I’d known it was too early to hear from Theo, I was disappointed it wasn’t his name. It was Liz, my agent.
