After the accident, the Colorado Highway Patrol had been the first on the scene and once they’d run the plates, they’d called the sheriff’s office. Brian had taken the call and driven out to identify the bodies before they were transported to the county morgue. When he’d shown up at the ranch, he’d tried to be all business, but we had known instantly that something was very wrong.
We’d all cycled through denial, anger and depression, but it’d taken months to reach any sort of acceptance. Throughout it all, that grief had been broad and overwhelming, blanketing everyone in the house. The grief I was feeling now was narrow and deep in comparison because it was exclusively mine, and the magnitude of what I’d personally lost was so great. I thought about those stages of grief, currently feeling trapped in denial and depression. I didn’t see a way forward. At least not a way that would make both of us happy in the long term.
I brewed the tea and added more sugar than I usually did as I struggled to get myself under control. This was Laura’s home, and I didn’t want to hurt or upset the family by revealing that I was grieving more for the end of my romance with Cal than I had for my own husband’s death.Stop crying, I told myself.No one has died. This isn’t a true tragedy.
But no matter how many times I repeated the phrases, my thoughts returned to Cal and I couldn’t stanch the tears. I was on the verge of leaving the kitchen when I heard Jake and Laura talking as they came in from the courtyard. I didn’t have enough time to escape.
“I didn’t know you were still…Oh sweetheart, what’s happened?” Laura came to me instantly and wrapped me in a tight hug. She made soft soothing sounds and her arms felt strong around me.
I drew back from the hug and looked from my mother-in-law to Jake, who leaned against the island with his arms crossed over his chest, studying me. There was no fooling either one of them, I realized, and I was just too tired to invent a convincing lie, so I spoke the truth with complete bluntness. “I fell in love with Cal,” I paused to sniffle, “and he loves me back, but not enough to stay.”
Jake’s eyes flared dark and he pushed off the counter and left the room. My heart broke a little more. Jake was probably hurt and angrythat I could love someone other than Luke. I didn’t blame him for his reaction.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to Laura. “I didn’t want to?—”
“Ah, honey, don’t apologize to me for loving someone,” Laura said, surprising me. “Luke’s been gone four years, and you’re a young woman with your whole life ahead of you.” Despite her words, there were tears in Laura’s eyes, too. “Here, let’s go sit in front of the fire and talk.” Laura picked up my teacup and carried it with her into the living room. Not knowing what else to do, I trailed behind her and settled on the couch next to Laura. She grabbed the throw blanket from where it sat in a basket and handed it to me. I hugged it to me, as if it would shield me from the discussion we were about to have.
“You’re not upset about it being Cal?” I asked cautiously after taking a minute to collect myself.
“No, of course not.” Laura gave me a half-smile. “In a strange way, it’s reassuring to know that even a son I didn’t raise has such good taste in women.” I stared at the fire before continuing. “But I understand now why you were asking me about finding love again.” Laura turned so she could see my face. “I know I said that I probably wouldn’t, but that was me, honey. You deserve love and passion and the kind of support that only a good man can give you. And you’ll get it, too.”
“I’m not sure about that.” I swiped at my tears. I couldn’t see myself feeling about anyone else the way I did about Cal. What I’d felt for Luke had been youthful and naïve. Looking back, it seemed to me that it had been more affection than love. For Cal, I felt the depths of a mature love and a connection that I’d never had before. “Cal’s going to return to the rodeo and I can’t imagine finding someone else.”
“Apparently, Cal’s too much of a fool to see what’s in front of his nose.” Laura seemed annoyed with her son. “But another man will.You’re a prize, Amy, and don’t you forget that. In the meantime, you’re entitled to a good cry, so go ahead.”
I stopped trying to hold in the tears. Instead, I let them fall as I told Laura about my feelings for Cal and what I loved about him. It felt good to talk, and Laura was a great listener. At midnight, we finally went to bed. My heart was still heavy and bruised but knowing how much the Thornes cared for me helped.
I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. I should have been cried out, but the tears continued soaking my pillow. I was reminded of something my grief counselor had said about the different stages of our life being temporary. She’d pointed out that we couldn’t stop time. That, like it or not, life continued to move forward and what I was feeling would inevitably change. Right then, I hoped that was the case. I rolled onto my side and pulled the blanket up so part of my head was covered. This didn’t feel temporary and I had no idea how I would go on if it wasn’t. I didn’t think my heart could take it.
TWENTY-EIGHT
CAL
“I’ll take another,” I said, signaling to the bartender for my fifth shot of whiskey. My usual two beer limit didn’t apply in this situation, I’d decided. I wanted to get drunk, hoping it would mask the pain of Amy’s rejection. Not that alcohol ever made anything better. If anything, it was the cause of more conflicts not less, but I was in desperate need of anything that could numb the heartache that was threatening to overwhelm me.
The worst part was that she had to bring up Luke in the process. I snarled. In my rational brain, I knew I was being unreasonable, but I didn’t give a shit about being reasonable when the woman I loved had closed the door on a future with me. After she claimed that she loved me.
What was that saying? If you love someone, set them free? I tried to get my brain to focus, but the whiskey was doing its job and I was having a hard time. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re yours. If they don’t, they never were.” I mumbled the words and then shook my head, closing my eyes as the room started to spin. That saying was bullshit. It didn’t matter if you loved someoneor if they loved you. In the end, it never worked out. Either they left or you did.
Dammit!I downed the shot in one gulp feeling the burn. While I’d eaten earlier, the alcohol still felt like it was burning a hole in my gut. I didn’t care. I slammed the glass onto the bar, and the bartender refilled it.
“You’re going to need a ride home, buddy.” The man leaned on the bar.
“I know that.” I might be drunk, but I wasn’t a fool.
“And you can cut the attitude too. Keys.” The bartender held out his hand and waited until I slapped my truck keys down on the bar. “Thanks. You can pick ’em up tomorrow.” The man took the keys and hung them on a hook behind the bar.
I had never felt so sullen and pissed off. My brain stumbled through memories, searching for something, anything that I could use to contextualize how I was feeling now. Not a damn thing came to mind. Not when I broke up with Angie. Not when I’d run into conflicts on the rodeo circuit with other riders. Not when I’d decided to take that job with the network. Not even when I overheard Laura saying that she was looking forward to me leaving.
The worst was that I’d actually convinced myself Amy loved me enough to leave with me. I grimaced. What the hell had I been thinking?
I’d been in love. That’s what I’d been thinking. And I should have known better since I’d been down this road before. Love didn’t work out for me. I needed to accept that and move on. I’d do my part with this damn rodeo and then I’d get the hell out of Poplar Springs just as fast as I could. Screw the Thornes. I’d been fine before I met them, and I’d be fine after.
Decision made. Now, why the hell didn’t I feel any better? I’d just put my hand around my glass when a hand clamped on my shoulder and yanked me from the barstool. Before I could react, a fist connected hard with my jaw. I staggered back, managing to stay on my feet, and eyed my opponent. Jake Thorne stood there, his face angry and his hands balled into fists.
“Go on, fight me,” Jake goaded and gave me a shove to the chest. “Come on, dammit.” Jake spoke loudly, attracting attention.
What the hell was this?
