“Oh, I…” WhatdidI do? Having a six-year-old had its moments of fun, but they were scattered in with the responsibilities.
“Maybe you go out dancing with your girlfriends?” Cal suggested. “Or go on dates?”
When was the last time I’d been dancing? I tried to think back. It was when Fiona and Shannon Cafferty had taken Zoe to the Squeaky Wheel. That had been fun. Did I want to tell him that?
“Sometimes I have dinner and drinks with Maggie, a friend whose family owns Lafferty’s Western Wear,” I said. But now that I thought about it, it had been weeks since I’d done more than text with Maggie or grab a quick cup of coffee.
“Sounds nice.”
“It is. I just have to find the time.” I decided I’d pencil in a girls’ night out just as soon as the rodeo was over. It would be a reward of sorts. I knew the Caffertys would be up for going out, and Sofia was fun when she wasn’t in uniform.
“What about dating?” Cal asked.
Dang it. I’d hoped he wouldn’t circle back to that. “I don’t date.”
“Ever?” I took my eyes off the road and caught him shooting me a look.
“I’ve sworn off the whole experience. I think I’m just not a relationship person anymore. Finding the right someone is partly luck, and I don’t expect that’ll happen for me again.” I should stop myself from revealing any more, but the words kept pouring out. The best I could do was control the tone, so I kept it light. “Besides, I don’t think I could live through the aftermath a second time.”
Even if I hadn’t been in love with Luke by the end, our lives were still tied together. And my biggest source of grief was knowing that Henry would never know his father. That ripped me up inside.
“You could. You’re plenty strong,” Cal said, and he seemed to mean it.
“Thanks—”
“You could absolutely have a relationship again if you wanted one,” he kept going. “Doyou?”
Did I? I was scared to even let my thoughts go down that road. Dating seemed dangerous, and relationships were terrifying. I controlled the shiver that went through me. Cal wasn’t talking, but he was watching for my reaction. I appreciated that he didn’t seem to judge or pressure me. He was simply suggesting the possibility and making me think it through.
“Maybe I do,” I finally said. “Someday.”If it was better than my marriage,I silently added. I couldn’t be with a man like Luke again. He had been a controlling narcissist. After his death, it had taken me months in therapy to admit that to myself. It felt disloyal to his memory to even think that, but it was the truth.
“Have you been on a date since…?” he asked and I appreciated that he didn’t finish the question.
“Just one,” I admitted ruefully. “It was the most awkward experience of my life.”
“No way. I can’t imagine you being awkward.”
“Oh, I was, and he was, and now I can’t visit Brian at the sheriff’s office because the guy is a deputy. I don’t want to run into him,” I said. My date, a high school friend of Luke’s, was a perfectly nice man, I supposed, but on a date, it had felt like there was a third presence with us. Neither of us had been able to get past the past, so longsilences and stilted conversations were the order of the night. I’d skipped dessert and texted Maggie to give me a ride home, making up an excuse about Henry needing me.
“We could go out,” Cal said, “on a sort of, I don’t know… a practice date for you.”
Oh, lord. I kept my eyes straight ahead, almost too nervous to even move. Did he know I was fantasizing about kissing him? Had I been that transparent? I fought down the panic, carefully controlling my voice. “A date with you would probably be the height of awkwardness. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”
Cal chuckled. “You bet it would, which is why you should do it.”
“You aren’t making any sense,” I said.
“Look at it this way. You’d never date me in real life because of who I am and who I look like, so there’s no chance of it going anywhere—which means there’s zero relationship pressure. It would just be a fun date to ease you back into the dating scene. If you can have an un-awkward date with me, you can have one with anyone. Just practice, no stakes.”
It was an awful idea, so why was I considering it? A date with Cal could not possibly have no stakes and zero pressure. Not for me. Not after the dream I’d had involving him and my growing desire to put my lips on his.
“Come on. Give me a chance,” Cal said, reaching his hand across the seat to rub my shoulder. “I promise you an evening of nothing but fun.”
He was persuasive, I’d give him that, and I thought he could deliver on that promise. If I ever planned to date again, I should take him up on his offer. Maybe I had to get back on the horse just like Henry had to.
And Cal didn’t know how attracted to him I was. As long as he didn’t find out, what would be the harm?
“Okay,” I said, throwing caution to the wind. “Let’s go on a date.”
