“But I’m also really confused.”
She shook her head, her own confusion beginning to build. “About what?”
His lips pursed in thought for a moment before he continued. “When you thank me for opening up or ask me who I am, it makesmequestion who I am. Because I don’t know which one is the real me. The man who can’t stop thinking about you or smiling at the thought of you, or the man who keeps the world at arm’s length because it’s just easier that way. You scare the hell out of me. I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Her heart lurched inside her chest. Well, if that wasn’t opening up, she didn’t know what was. Gently, she took a step forward, wanting desperately to touch him. “Which man doyoulike?”
“I like who I am when I’m with you.”
Holy crap.
“I like who I am when I’m with you, too.”
He took a hesitant step toward her. “But I don’t recognize myself or these emotions. I’m happy when I’m with you, but I’m also terrified. Terrified of something happening to you or the baby. Afraid of being a dad and that the kid is going to be as angry as I am. Afraid that something might happen to me and he or she will grow up without a dad like I had to. I’m used to living alone. Nobody knows or solves my problems but me. It’s worked for me all these years. I don’t know how to function any other way.”
She ate up the rest of the distance until nothing but the baby they’d made, on a cold and windy night, sat between them.
“Then be the youyoulike when you’re with me. And be the other guy witheveryone else. Be who you want to be.”
His throat undulated. “I’m just worried that one day you’ll realize I’m just the angry guy and want nothing to do with me. Or one day, that’s who I’ll become all the time.”
She shook her head and rested her hand on his chest. “Tell me.”
He gripped her hand like a lifeline. “Tell you what?”
“Tell me why you’re so angry.”
Brock’s pupils dilated, but then he let out a heavy sigh and sat down on the bed, bringing her with him. “It started after my dad died. I was angry at the world. Angry that he was taken from me. From us. The drunk driver who hit us did a bit of time in prison, but not nearly enough. One night, when I was in my late teens, this was shortly after he’d been released from prison, I went to his house. I stood out front with a baseball bat in my hand and watched through his picture window as he played with his kids in his living room. I hated him. Still do. He took my father, and yet he still got to have a family, got to watch his kids grow up.” He looked up at her. “How is that fair?”
She squeezed his hand and inched closer to him on the bed. “It’s not.”
His mouth dipped down into a tight frown. “I wanted to kill him. Smash his head in with the bat. Take his life, just like he’d taken my dad’s.”
Krista’s breath hitched. “But you didn’t.”
He shook his head. “No, I didn’t. I couldn’t. Just like my brothers and me, his kids were innocent and didn’t deserve to grow up without their dad.”
Krista let out a ragged breath. She didn’t think he’d killed the guy, but the way Brock was holding on to her hand, turning her fingers blue, made her suspect he’d at least taken a swing at the guy.
“It wasn’t fair what happened to your dad,” she started. “Wasn’t fair at all. Not fair to your dad, to you, your mother or your brothers.”
“But life isn’t fair,” he said softly.
“It’s not.” She shook her head. Her heart hurt for him. He’d witnessed something so utterly horrific and been forced to grow up way too quickly because of it.
“Ijoined the Navy Reserves just like my dad, hoping to do some good in the world. And I did. But I also saw a lot of evil. Kids dying. Mothers and babies being ripped apart.
“It all just made me so mad. Mad that I couldn’t do more. Couldn’t prevent more people from getting hurt. More people from dying. I felt even more helpless than I did that night my dad died.”
She put her other hand on his thigh. “You were doing so much good. You can’t save everyone.”
He glanced up at her. “I know. But I saw too much. Didn’t saveenoughpeople. Too many people I’d grown close to, friends and civilians, died. So I retired and went to work for Stewart. Now I’m protecting people but on a smaller scale. I know sometimes those people are spoiled little rich girls, but when they’re with me, they’re safe. I can protect them. I can save them.”
“You’re doing a pretty great job of protecting me and this baby, too,” she said. “You can’t stack so much responsibility on your shoulders. You have me now. Stack some of that on my shoulders. I can take it.”
“Don’t move out … please.” That last word was barely a whisper.
“Then let me get to know you. I think I deserve that, considering you’ve uncovered all my secrets, either by asking me outright or snooping via your hacking brother.”
