‘Oh, yes, but after I had you both living with me Nancy took over the really early shift, and I adjusted. I’d take paperwork home rather than work on it in the café, and I often did some of the baking or preparation at the cottage. I wanted to be there to see you girls when you got up, I wanted to hang around for breakfast and at least wish you a good day at school.’
‘You worked hard,’ said Susanna, ‘and I took it for granted.’
‘I expect I was the same at your age.’
‘I never let myself get close to you.’
‘I know you didn’t.’
‘I almost did once.’ She paused. ‘Do you remember the time I found you making pudding in the middle of the night?’
‘When I’m stressed, I bake. I must have been fretting about something.’
‘We sat and had ginger steamed pudding.’
‘I remember.’ Gayle smiled. ‘It was something I was trying for the café. Inspiration had struck when I couldn’t sleep.’
‘It was pretty good.’ Susanna smiled. ‘That night, I wanted to talk to you so much, but the words wouldn’t come. I wanted to tell you that I was hurting, how scared I was.’
‘I knew. I wish you’d been able to confide in me.’
‘I guess I’d learned to be tough and to be Addie’s protector. I had an armour around me, and I kept it, shielded myself from getting too close.’
‘You never let me hug you. I found that really difficult,’ Gayle admitted. ‘From the moment you came to live with me, any form of touch was forbidden.’
‘Mum and I used to cuddle on the sofa a lot. When she died, I really missed it, but I had Addie, and she always wanted to be hugged.’
‘You took it upon yourself to be a mum to Addie. Sometimes I think I pushed that on you, asking you to take care of her after school, when I was working.’
‘I didn’t mind. Well, sometimes I did.’ Susanna took a breath before she said, ‘I’m pretty sure Addie would’ve stayed closer to you if it wasn’t for me.’ Her face fell. ‘I’m sorry I did that. I’m sorry I made her honour a pact we’d made as young girls, a pact we didn’t really think through. But all I could see at the time was that I’d lost Mum, then Dad. I couldn’t lose Addie too.’
‘I would never have taken her away from you.’
‘No, I don’t believe you would have.’ Susanna’s chin wobbled; she was doing her utmost to keep herself in check.
‘Your sister loved to bake at the café. She showed a real interest once you were at university and I encouraged her, at first. But then I realised it might well come between you if Addie and I got closer. Am I right?’
‘At the time, probably, and I’m ashamed to admit that.’
‘At one point I thought about what she might say if I invited her to work with me full-time.’ When Susanna stayed quiet she added, ‘But I couldn’t do that, because I made a promise.’
‘A promise?’
‘To your dad. When he died, he told me he was sorry. We put our differences aside. We both realised what we’d lost by not having each other. He never wanted that to be you and Addie, so I assured him I would never let it happen. The only way to keep my promise was to push Addie away, not encourage her, make sure she left the island as you’d both always said you would.’
Susanna looked upwards to stem her tears. ‘I took that from her, and I shouldn’t have.’
‘We all made mistakes. You thought you were looking after your sister and yourself.’
Susanna paused. ‘You saying that makes me see the intention behind you talking to Mateo about our relationship. You were trying to look after me just like I was doing for Addie by getting her to go through with our plan.’
‘That’s one way of looking at it.’
‘You know, Addie was furious I never told her what I knew about Dad until now.’
‘Why would you? It wouldn’t have benefited her. But maybe with Addie grown up now, it’s time to stop mothering.’
Susanna nodded. ‘You know, I saw the two of you together at the café once. I could see her settling in, enjoying herself, and I panicked. I thought perhaps she wouldn’t come to the mainland at all, and I’d lose her. I couldn’t wait to get us both off the island.’
