‘It’s fine, keep going.’
‘He’s a great little boy, and I’ve missed it. I’ve missed his growing up. I can’t ever get that back.’
‘You can’t blame yourself.’
‘No! Then who exactly do I blame?’ She pulled back. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t be yelling at you.’
‘That wasn’t yelling, not even close.’
A small smile curved up the corners of her mouth. The happy Nadia was still in there somewhere. ‘I’m here to see Monica again but I got halfway to her ward and turned back.’
‘It must be hard after all this time.’
‘I was here on Saturday for a while, but yesterday, I couldn’t face it. Listening to her talk about what went on years ago, when she got together with Archie, it was all too much. The hurt came back and I haven’t seen her since. I wanted to come outside, get some fresh air, then I’ll be brave enough.’
‘Fresh air? You chose the smoky spot near the bus stop.’
‘I know. I wasn’t thinking.’ She looked back the way they’d come. ‘Nobody takes any notice of the no-smoking signs around, do they? I mean, it’s supposed to be a place of healing and anyone who comes in and out of the hospital has to walk through all the smoke.’
‘Not right, is it?’
‘Nice round here, though – kind of hidden.’
‘I thought you could use the headspace.’ And he knew she was putting off talking about herself again.
They sat in the sunshine; a couple of nurses passed by, exchanged smiles with them both.
‘I’ll go back inside soon,’ said Nadia. ‘I just need to get myself together.’ She waited a moment before admitting, ‘Monica has changed. Archie said she was different and I wanted that to be true but until I was face to face with her on Saturday, I didn’t know it for sure. There’s a softness; she’s lost the hard edges she had all those years growing up. She’s apologised and taken the blame, I can’t complain at that, and yet…’
‘You’re finding it hard to forgive?’
‘It’s not that… I mean I do forgive her, I know she’s sorry, but I’ve buried it all for so many years and now it’s coming to the surface. I wish I’d processed my emotions before now. I wish I’d let her get in touch; I wish I hadn’t waited so long.’
‘But you did. You can’t change the past. And wishing that you could or wishing you had will only make all of this more painful in the long run. You need to forgive yourself first and foremost.’
‘It’s hard to do,’ she said. ‘Have you forgiven yourself? For Beau. I can tell you think that you’re to blame for how he’s dealt with the separation and divorce. But it’s not all down to you.’
‘I’m getting there, feeling less responsible, at least not solely to blame. I’m beginning to realise that maybe I also played a part in him being strong enough and able enough to turn things around. The time he’s spent at the airbase has been a big part of that: the interest he’s showing.’
‘It’s really good to see, you raised a great kid.’
‘Thank you. That means a lot. I took him fishing, you know.’
‘You said in your text. Was it as good as you hoped?’
He smiled at her, his gaze dropping to her lips but only momentarily. ‘Better.’
He told her all about the boat trip, the camping, the fact they hadn’t taken enough tent pegs and one side of the canvas had almost collapsed by morning.
‘Beau took it well, told me it was my fault, I said it was his, and then we just started laughing. It’s moments like those that I hadn’t realised I missed until now.’
‘You’ll have to do it again.’
‘Definitely. Maybe with the right equipment this time.’ He paused. ‘We talked a lot over dinner too. Carys and Beau – although mostly Beau, given he’s older – are the reasons I’ve held back from dating again since their mum and I split up. I thought it would be too much to deal with. But over dinner, Beaucame right out with it and told me to basically get a life. Start dating.’
He turned so that he was facing Nadia. ‘He seems to think I should ask you out.’
He loved that her cheeks coloured and that she couldn’t hold back a smile.
