‘I remember.’ And she remembered the rest too. ‘I loved it down there.’
‘Do you remember the day I picked you up?’
‘How could I forget?’
‘I was angry. Distraught, even. And the reason… the reason why is because your grandparents had issued me with a notice of intent to go for custody.’ He took in Maya’s shock, the way she looked at him, sharing this for the first time. ‘They’d had supporting documents drawn up; they were serious. In their eyes, I was unfit to be a parent on my own without Anya.’
Maya almost didn’t register Vik’s arrival and him waving over to indicate that her shift as pilot was over.
‘But you’re our dad,’ she said. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘Neither did I. Oh, I knew they were hurting. I knew they could see what a state I was in. They were right to be concerned about that. They were even right to take you down to Cornwall at first and I was very happy for them to do so. Parenting is hard and I’d lost the love of my life. I tried to be there for you and your sister, but I couldn’t wade through the tide of emotion I faced, not without some help from the doctor.’ He loosened his tie.
‘Medication, you mean?’
‘Yes, medication. With your sister so young and you not old enough to be managing on your own without a parent, I couldn’t be sleeping all hours of the day in my grief, taking pills that knocked me sideways. I knew I had to get myself in order, so Ilet them take you to Cornwall. I thought I’d get myself together and then have you back with me and we’d try to work out how we were going to go on without your mum.’
‘And Granny and Gramps weren’t prepared to let you do that?’
He paused, thinking of the best way to reply to the girl who’d worshipped her grandparents. ‘I think your grandparents sent that letter because hanging onto you two girls was a way to save themselves from drowning in grief after losing their only daughter. They didn’t see that they were trying to take something from me; in many ways, they thought they were helping us all. They told me it’s what Anya would’ve wanted. All I saw was a legal battle I didn’t want or need and two young girls being dragged through it at their hands.’
Maya found it hard to believe her grandparents could ever do such a thing.
She also knew her dad wasn’t a liar.
‘Is that why I was never allowed to go and stay with them over the summer again?’
‘I panicked. I thought that if you went to them again, they’d find a way of keeping you there, that you’d never come back to me. Instead, you resented me for not letting you go. And then they died and you were so angry.’
Tears welled in her eyes. ‘I wasn’t angry, Dad. I was heartbroken.’
He couldn’t look at her. He knew her attachment to her grandparents, what it had done to her to not have them in her life the way they’d been before.
‘I know you blamed me for your heartbreak, your pain. And you were right to.’ His voice came out smaller than ever before. ‘I should’ve handled it better.’
‘No…’ Her voice caught. ‘I shouldn’t have blamed you, not so harshly, at least.’ It had taken her a long time to say it, eventhough she’d known deep down that she was taking it out on someone who didn’t deserve it. Somehow it had been easier to do that, to have somebody to be angry at. ‘Granny and Gramps dying was never your fault. I think Granny died of a broken heart and when she went, I bet Gramps didn’t want to hang on any longer.’
‘I can understand that. Losing Anya was so painful, on some days I couldn’t bear it.’ He gulped. ‘But I should’ve let you spend more time with your grandparents and then perhaps you and I might have stood a chance at a better relationship.’
She sniffed, fished in her pocket for a tissue but found nothing. Instead, she saw her dad pull out a packet of tissues from his jacket pocket and pass it to her.
‘Thanks.’ She wiped her eyes. ‘Was their intent to fight for custody the reason why they were allowed to visit us but not the other way round?’
He nodded. ‘They dropped the custody idea but the trust was lost by then. I was always happy to have them spend time with you but after being scared they’d take you both away, I was always looking over my shoulder. And they never apologised. I thought they owed me that.’
‘I think they did too.’
The look he gave her suggested his appreciation.
‘You didn’t tell me any of this. Why, Dad? When things were always so strained between us, it would’ve helped me to understand.’
‘I never wanted you to hold it against them and when they died and you were so devastated, I couldn’t do it to you.’ He swallowed hard. She knew that sign too. It meant he was nervous; he wanted this to go well. ‘When they visited, I’d hear them talking to you about the house in Cornwall; they’d talk about your bedroom there, they’d say things about the town and you loved it all. You used to ask about the new ice-cream placethat had opened up; I heard you say you wanted to go there and I felt so selfish.’
‘Dad, I?—’
‘I don’t blame you for any of it. You were a little girl, you’d lost your mother; how could I begrudge any bit of happiness to come your way?’ His voice caught and it took him a couple of minutes before he continued.
‘I was terrified that one day, Maya, you’d pack a suitcase and want to go to them and yes, I could’ve stopped you as you were only young and I had custody, but…’ He laughed. ‘Firstly, when has anyone ever been able to stop you doing what you want?’
