That last bit doesn’t make a lot of sense. I just keep going so Wade doesn’t start picking at my analogies.
“The point is,” I continue, “that I can’t give you a simple yes or no because it’s not just because of Blaire. It’s because of … me.”
I don’t think I realized this until I said it.
But I’m right. Itisabout me.
In so many ways.
And not just that I caused the detonation of my relationship withBlaire or that I subconsciously pushed her away to save myself from having to face my truths.
This whole thing is about me and my fear of failure.
I know it. And as soon as I realize it, a weight lifts off my shoulders.
I’m afraid of failing my family and hurting our business. I’m terrified of failing a woman and being a shit companion. And I’m absolutely petrified of committing to Blaire and losing her.
Because out of all the things I’m most scared of, that’s the one I don’t think I’d survive.
“Why’d you let her go?” Wade asks. “And, yes, I know she left because Boone told me.”
“How the fuck did Boone know?”
“Larissa,” Wade says. “You can’t keep a secret in this family.”
Oliver leans forward. “I’d like to circle back to the reason you let her go. Because if she was staying at my house, she’d still be there. I guarantee you that.”
I glare at him. He laughs.
Fucker.
I ignore Oliver and turn to Wade.
“I don’t know how to balance it all,” I tell him. “I don’t know how to perform here and be what she needs too.”
Wade grins. “How very arrogant of you.”
“What? What do you mean?” I ask.“How can you even say that? I pushed her away to save her, Wade. Not out of arrogance.”
“Has it ever occurred to you that she doesn’t need you tobeanything? She’s a grown, successful woman who’s managed to obtain a law degree, be an upstanding member of society, and have very little debt all without you,” Wade says.
“How do you know that?” Oliver asks.
“Background check,” Wade says without looking at Oliver. “But the point here is, Holt, that you just let a woman go because you think she needs you. I happen to think she doesn’t need you for shit. She justwants you. Those are two totally different things.”
I stare at the stapler on my desk and let his words filter through my brain.
The more I think about it, the more I think he’s right.
Blaire doesn’t need me. She doesn’t need me to fill a role in her life or to fix her problems. What Wade said is true—she chose me to be a part of her life because she wants me.
And I made her think I didn’t want her.
Dammit.
The door cracks open, and Rosie pushes her head around the corner.
“If you boys are going to make it to the Landry offices, you need to get going,” she says. “You don’t want to be late.”
