“You were a goddess out there tonight. Everyone was utterly bewitched by you, baby. I don’t think I’ve seen any of those guys so enamored with someone in a scene, and some of them are semi-professional. You took everything perfectly and so gracefully.”
She’s coming back to herself now as I lazily trail my hands across her body underwater, seeing the red marks on her legs from where she had been tightly held.
“It’s a weird feeling to do that and enjoy it. I feel guilty. Like an actual slut. I know it’s my sexual freedom, and people don’t kink shame as much anymore, but it’s just hard to reconcile. Ireallyliked not seeing who was fucking me…”
She trails off, and I can tell she has more to say. I want to be her safe space, for her to trust me with whatever dark parts of herself she’s figuring out in real time right now. Giving her a reassuring squeeze, I encourage her to continue.
“You can tell me. I won’t judge. You know enough of my history to know the things I’ve gotten up to.”
She bites her lip and lays her head back on my shoulder. “Well, at one point, I kinda…wished everyone wasactuallycoming inside me. Not in condoms. I knew everyone was clean, and all the dirty talk about how sloppy and messy I was made me think of what it would have been like if it was true.”
I’m quiet for way too long, surprised the bathwater doesn’t start boiling around me. A murderous rage fills me at the thought of any motherfucker on this planet coming inside Lucy. I’ve never felt this way before, and even five minutes ago, I was all on board with her being group fucked. But now? Now I want to go hunt every one of those men down and do what I do best. Erase them from the planet without a trace. Something about the idea of anyone else’s seed in her has sent me spiraling.
“Sasha? Are you okay?”
I don’t know how to answer her. I’m absolutely not okay. It’s been a long time since I’ve killed, and I feel myself itching to dole out justice for the men I’ve just sentenced to death.Nobody fucks Lucy Sommers and lives.
“I…I’ll be honest. I’m feeling something new. It scares me. I loved everything that just happened, until you were hurting atthe end. But thinking of it…I’m theonlyman who has ever come inside you, baby. And you’re the only woman who’s ever had me inside you that way. I don’t think I can share that. I feel possessive of you in a way that feels dangerous, Lucy. I don’t know that I’ll be able to share you again the way I did tonight.”
She turns to straddle me in the bathtub, parting my lips with her tongue and distracting us both with a languid kiss. Pulling back, she kisses my forehead before quietly rocking my world.
“I think I would be okay with you never sharing me again, Sasha. I don’t think I’ll ever need anyone but you.”
With nothing left to say, we stay wrapped in each other's arms well past when the water cools, then head back to the cottage.Home.
The sun rises over the tree line behind the cottage as I sip my morning coffee. I never slept last night. I couldn’t. Even after the endorphins faded from our scene, even with our quiet confessions in the bathtub, I found myself restless. Rattled.
I knew, on some level, that our relationship changed at the beach. The overwhelming tightness in my chest every time I met Lucy’s gaze as she frolicked in the ocean, the tenderness and heat of taking every piece of her and making them mine…it was too much, yet not enough, all at once. Still, I assumed once we were out of the magical spell of our short getaway, I could make sense of my feelings and tuck them away again.
Yesterday proved that will never be the case.Neverhave I felt possessive over a romantic interest. Not that I’ve really dated, other than superficially. But there’s never been an inkling of“mine” in my soul for anyone. A fierce, brotherly protectiveness over Katarina is the closest comparison I can think of, but even that pales in light of how I feel about Sunshine.
I wince, realizing that this must be the one thing I’ve guarded myself against and sworn off. Pressing my forehead against the cool glass of the window, I blow out my breath. It feels worse, now that I know the extent of what my dad went through with Kat’s mom. Their plans to run away together before the Bratva life were bound to catch up to them. He’s made it all these years alone, pining for someone he couldn’t have because of the power plays and behind-the-scenes bullshit that accompanies our family in all aspects of our lives.And it’s coming for me, too.
The beach was fun, but a fantasy world. All of this is. Reality is the goddamn bratva, which, regardless of what Dad says, isn’t going to leave me alone. That’s always been my destiny, and I accepted it, even if I didn’t necessarily embrace it. It doesn’t matter how he tries to change the way the family operates; there’s only one way out. Retirement isn’t an option.
I resist the urge to throw my mug against the wall, not wanting to wake Lucy from her much-needed rest. I settle for pacing instead, running my fingers through my hair until I’m convinced I’ll pull it all out.Maybe I could shave it, and she wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore, and I could leave her to be happy without me.
Thinking of her with another man reminds me of why I’m spiraling in the first place, and I stop pacing to do push-ups. Anything to try to expel this energy. They don’t help. Nothing is going to help. I want something I shouldn't, a simple, happy life that I’ve tried my entire life to avoid. It’s not meant for me.
The beach was a mirage. A lie. A torturous lie. Laughter and cuddles, stories and whispers between kisses. I couldn’t help myself in the quiet moments. It was impossible to stop myself from imagining. Stampeding feet throughout the house, tinyhands holding up shells found on the beach, Lucy, round and glowing…it was unbearable then, just as it is now. This is why I denied it for so long. Allowing myself to imagine, even for a moment, has allowedthedream inside like a plague, seeping through tiny cracks in my heart and soul, and poisoning me. It’ll be fatal, for me at least, to think this way. And it’s worse than ever before, having a face to the life I know I can’t have.Lucy’s sweet face.
I know how things would go. I’d get soft, thinking of Lucy instead of work. Wanting to get home quickly instead of doing the job right. Then, with me out of the way, she’ll be exposed. A target. Any…children we might have had, even more so. Bargaining chips. Blackmail bait, and no Sinclairs would be safe. Even Katarina marrying into their family was more dangerous than any of them realized, but I’m the more prized target as Dad’s heir.
It wouldn’t be a life. Confining Lucy to a compound for her protection, having a massive security force at the beach house for weekend getaways, looking over my shoulder every time I carried our baby on my chest.
A whimper from the bedroom pulls me from my melancholy monologue, and I’m through the doorway in seconds. My Sunshine is tangled in the quilt, whimpering and kicking her feet. I relax, knowing it’s just a nightmare, but I hate to see her in distress. Moving to crawl back into bed with her, I start to take off my sweats when I hear her.
“Sasha,” she whispers, and I freeze, thinking she’s awake. Another few kicks and another, more frantic squeal of my name tell me that she’s still asleep. I climb behind her and wrap my arms and legs around her, pulling her into me and out of the tangled blanket.
“Hey, Sunshine. You’re okay,” I coo into her ear, trying to gently soothe her. She turns in my arms to burrow into my chest.
“Sasha…don’t go.”
I wait for her to continue, but she sighs, still asleep.
I feel it, then. The destruction of any bit of resolve I had to resist. Whatever will I thought I possessed to push her away and leave her behind was a farce. A delusional, foolish belief that I didn’t need to be here for her. But she needs me.
Damn the rest of it. I’ll figure out the security and never let her out of my sight. Depending on how Dad’s long-term plans for the business go, we’ll cross those bridges as we come to them. Nothing is set in stone.
