***
I shift in my seat and feel the tender ache between my legs from the previous night and this morning’s activities. Memories invade my senses as I recall things that were firsts for me in so many ways.
I’m opening my heart; I can actually feel it moving, swelling and breaking free of the bonds I had imposed.
I’m also opening my mind, no longer shut off to the possibility of being happy, fulfilled and sexually awakened. I have discovered a wild side that I like, and I want more.
I feel the blood start to move a little faster through my veins, heating me up, when I recall the way I was awoken this morning.
I hear his moans in my ear, feel his breath on my skin and his fingers on my…
“Earth to Arianna …”
I’m at a restaurant having lunch with my mom, thinking about being in bed with the king of my castle. My skin is flush with the thoughts of us getting hot and sweaty this morning and I’m sure my breathing has accelerated.
Mom waves a hand in front of my eyes. “Arianna, sweetheart, where did your mind wander off to?” she asks in an amused voice.
“I’m sorry, Mom, what were you saying?”
“Never mind what I was saying, you want to tell me what or who has you in a dreamy trance?”
“I was just…ugh, is it that obvious?” I cover my face with my hands. I’m so embarrassed.
“When you haven’t heard what I’ve said for the last five minutes, then yes, it’s fairly obvious I would say. Were you thinking about Denham?” she asks tentatively.
“Yes.”
“You want to talk about him?”
“Oh, I don’t know, Mom.” I sigh. “I just don’t understand how I’m feeling. I don’t understand what’s going on between us. It’s hard to figure out everything else that’s going on in my life, but when I’m with him, it all…it just…it feels right and I don’t know why. I shouldn’t even be letting anyone else near me. Last week I would have been happy to become a nun, live in solitary and never set eyes on another man again. And now he’s come along and ruined everything, except it’s not ruined, I feel…I don’t know, I just don’t know.” I take a deep breath and dramatically throw my head down into my folded arms on thetable. I hear my mom trying to contain her laughter. “Mom! This isn’t funny!”
“Darling, I’m sorry. It’s not a bad dilemma to have…all you need to do is let him l—”
“Don’t even finish that sentence. I don’t want to hear the L word. It corrupts people’s minds and makes them think they can own you,” I scold bitterly.
“No, my girl,” she says softly. “Love doesn’t do that to someone, don’t confuse it with greed. Love makes you a better person. It doesn’t make you greedy, in fact, it makes you think less about yourself and more about the person you are in love with. It opens your heart to a world of possibilities.”
“It also opens your heart to a lifetime of heartbreak if that feeling isn’t reciprocated.” I sound so cynical even to my own ears, but I can only draw on what life has taught me so far. “All I know is that Denham can make me feel like no one ever has. He makes me want to let him in, let him be there for me, but I don’t know how to convince myself to allow him to do that. I have to try and protect myself. I let my guard down with Aaron, and look what happened. How do I know it’s not going to happen again?”
“Did you love Aaron?”
“No.”
“Do you think you could love Denham?”
I pause and look her in the eye. “I’ve only known him a week, how is that even possible? I’m not sure I even know how. Maybe I’m not capable…”
“Of course you’re capable. Look at me. How many frogs did I kiss before I found my prince? It felt different from the very first minute with Brent, but I had to kiss a lot of slimy toads to find him. Maybe you’ve kissed enough frogs and instead of a prince, you’ve found a King…” She lets her thoughts linger in the air quietly while she gets up to go to the restroom.
Maybe it is my turn. Maybe it’s my time to grab at my chance of happiness. I admit to myself for the first time that I do feel something surprisingly deep for Denham, something I never knew existed. I don’t know if it’s love, but it’s different from anything I’ve ever felt for anyone. I’ve given him my unwavering trust and I don’t regret it one bit. I’ve let my heart’s guard down further than I have with anyone and he hasn’t used it to his advantage. I’ve let him in and I think the thing that scares me the most is that I want it. I want it all. He makes me push away everything that I’ve ever believed true because he’s rewriting my trust. There’s just something stopping me from letting go completely. I can’t lose control. I need to keep hold of the reins for self-preservation.
“Excuse me, ma’am.”
I look up from my thoughts to see the waiter standing by the table with a single, long-stemmed red rose between his fingers. He offers it to me with an outstretched hand and I take it reluctantly.
“I am told to tell you, that you will know who it is from and he just wanted to let you know he was thinking about you,” the waiter offers cryptically.
“I…uh, thank you,” I stutter. I haven’t spoken to Denham since he left to go to work this morning, so I’m not entirely sure he knows where to find me, although, we are eating in one of the restaurants in his hotel.
