Prologue
Ihad to leave. It was bad this time.
Each time it happened, I stupidly forgave him. I knew it wouldn’t be the last time, and not to my surprise, each time after that it was worse.
I’m not even sure if I felt the physical pain anymore. I was numb, inside and out. A shell of the person I once was.
But this time…this time he had gone too far. I had needed medical attention. His kick to my left side had broken two ribs, one of which had punctured my lung. My kidneys were bruised from his fists slamming into me repeatedly, and my wrist was broken from the impossible angle he had twisted it.
Until now he was careful not to mark my face or anywhere that someone could see. Each time it happened, he whisked me away for a weekend to 'make things okay' and let the bruises fade, and each time he took a little more of my soul.
My mom had her suspicions; I could see it in her eyes, and her gentle probing questions without asking directly for fear of accusing him of something he may not have done.
But she knew.
I wanted to tell her, someone…anyone. It was a lonely burden, an elephant sitting on my chest. He had worn me down so far that I didn’t have an identity. Functioning on a daily basis but not feeling.
I was his.
Nothing more, nothing less.
He was a powerful, well-respected businessman, so no one would ever believe me, and even if they did, he would pay them off and it would all be forgotten. Initially, I found it unbelievable that money could buy the conscience of a man, but it had become such a familiar occurrence that nothing surprised me anymore.
He had taken me to a private hospital and visited every day, the devoted fiancé. He had cried when he told the nurses how I was attacked in our home by an intruder, and I had cried at my helplessness.
I had ten days in that hospital with no fear and no pressure to conform because he couldn’t do anything to me while I was there. It was the longest I had been away from him in five years, and it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Every day my confidence built, and I found a little more of the girl I once was. Only now, the girl had grown up. Now I was a woman, and I knew what my future held. The fire in my belly was small, barely a spark, but it was there, and I knew that if I stayed, that tiny glow of hope would be extinguished, and very possibly so could I.
So I did the only thing I could do…
I ran.
Chapter 1
Ithought I was pretty tough. I’ve learned to adapt and grow with each situation I’ve been faced with and have suffered in far worse ways than I am now, and survived it.
But I’m living a lie.
Unhappily married to a man I don’t love, answering to a name that isn’t mine, and not being able to see a way out because, after all, I’m responsible for my own actions and it feels so tangled I can’t see past it.
I chose to run. I chose to hide. And now, I don’t know where to go from here.
I want to go home, but I don’t know if I can. I want to be me, but I don’t know how to find my way out of this mess.
My legs start to pound harder on the treadmill as the thoughts and possibilities battle their way through my mind. I welcome the burn through my thighs as I push forward, and my lungs fight to take in more air, a welcome distraction, myonlydistraction from the false life I’m living.
It’s not a bad life—arguably better than the one I ran from. I’m also not ungrateful. But I’m not happy. Is the goal in life to survive…or is it to thrive? I miss my mom; I haven’t seen or spoken to her since I left Boulder City, and I miss my friend Lottie, the only true friend I’ve ever had.
I regret the fact that I let Jonny push those closest to me away, let him destroy my life. He’s the reason I’ve lived with a false name for eighteen months. He’s the reason for everything bad that has happened to me since the day I met him.
I now live in a beautiful house in LA. I’m married to a wealthy music executive, Aaron Jamesson, and I have the world at my fingertips. Money buys a lot of things, a lot of distractions, and it makes it easier to conjure smoke and mirrors, but it doesn’t fill the hole in my heart.
At first, Aaron seemed to be everything Jonny wasn’t. We had a fun courtship and a beautiful wedding. He offered me a friendship which I welcomed, and gave me the opportunity to start over with a new life and a new identity, something which I never thought would be possible. Being honest with myself, I used him to stay under the radar, to make it harder for Jonny to find me. I reinvented myself to save my life, created a persona much different to my own and agreed to things I wouldn’t have otherwise. Like having a baby. God, the thought makes me break out in a cold sweat. I know it won’t be long before Aaron starts to wonder why we’re not pregnant yet, and I don’t know how to delay the inevitable.
I’ve lived a life as Natalie Jamesson and tried to keep as little of my true self from creeping in as possible. For a long time, I didn’t feel bad. The freedom of leaving my past behind outweighed the guilt that lurked on the periphery. How can you feel guilty when you’ve forgotten how to feel?
It’s the same story that battles through my head every day.
I never come up with a solution but I can’t see a way out andagain I find myself being unhappy. I just take each day as it comes and hope it works out somehow, leaving fate to find its path and hoping for a little luck along the way.
