The rest of the day passes in a haze.My body is there weighing coffee beans, steaming milk, even chatting occasionally with customers.But my mind is in that house across town where he wasn’t this morning.Wondering what things will be like later when he returns.Ifhe returns.Every chime of the bell above the door makes my heart leap with a foolish hope, only to have it crash when it’s not him.
By the time Helen and I lock up, a soul-deep weariness has settled over me.But I can’t delay it.I have to go home, his home, and face whatever awaits me there.
Night has fallen by the time I pull into the driveway.The drive across Madison was a quiet torment, my mind replaying every second of our fight.I park and walk up the stone path.The house looms before me, dark and silent, save for a single light glowing from the living room window.I reach the front door, my hand hesitating.After a steadying breath, I will myself to ring the doorbell.But before my finger makes contact, the door swings open.
Matthew stands there in grey sweatpants and a black tank top, a towel slung around his neck.His eyes meet mine for a fraction of a second.Still distant, unreadable.He steps back, holding the door open for me in a gesture devoid of all warmth.
As I step past him, he turns and walks to the basement without a backward glance.
Nothing has changed.
I close the door and make the long, lonely walk up the stairs.In the guest bedroom, I head straight for the bathroom.Leaving my clothes in a heap on the floor, I turn the shower on, twisting the knob until the water is as hot as I can take it, and step inside.The steam fills the glass enclosure immediately, clouding out the world.I stand there, my face turned up into the spray, letting the heat soak into my chilled skin.
But there is no washing this away.
The events of last night crash over me.
His face, contorted in anguish as he compared me to his mother.
My own voice, spitting the cruelest words I could conjure.
His shattered expression.
A sob, hot and painful, finally bursts from deep inside, lost in the sound of the pounding water.My legs give out, and I slide down the slick, tiled wall to sit on the floor of the shower, my knees pulled to my chest.I wrap my arms around them and let myself break.The tears come freely now, mingling with the hot water.A silent, heartbroken storm in the privacy of my steamy cage.
After mechanically toweling off, I pull on my pajamas with an aching exhaustion.I get into bed, but my eyes are wide open, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness.
A soft creak from the hallway floorboards makes my body go still.I listen, holding my breath, as the quiet sounds stop directly outside my door.
My heart leaps into my throat.
He’s going to knock.
Please knock.
My eyes burning holes into the dark, waiting for a sound that never comes.After a long, agonizing minute, the floorboards creak again as he walks away, followed by the definitive click of his own bedroom door closing.
The hope inside me collapses.
Sleep is a distant, unattainable shore.For hours, I toss and turn, the sheets becoming a tangled, suffocating mess.My mind is races with an endless array of loud, chaotic thoughts.The oppressive silence of the house only amplifies them.
With a frustrated sigh, I give up.
I can’t lie here a moment longer.
Slipping out of bed, I throw on my hooded cardigan over my pajamas and creep out of the room.The hallway is a cavern of shadows.I don’t dare look at Matthew’s closed door as I pass.Downstairs, I navigate the darkened living room by the faint moonlight filtering through the large windows.
I need to escape the suffocating silence of these walls.
I need air.
I open the door to the backyard and step onto the slate stone patio.My arms cross over my chest, pulling the cardigan tight against the crisp night air.I climb the couple of stone steps and unlock the latch at the fence, walking through the iron gate.The long, rectangular pool glows with an ethereal blue light from beneath its surface, casting dancing reflections on the surrounding trees.
The gentle lapping of water is accompanied by the distant rustle of leaves in the trees.I take several deep breaths, filling my lungs with the fresh air.I start walking along the edge of the pool, my bare feet padding softly on the concrete.I walk its entire length, past the diving board, then turn and stroll back, trying to let the stillness of the night seep into my restless mind.
When I reach the board again…
I stop.
