I don’t want to leave her. But if there’s one thing she deserves, it’s respect. Even from me.
Getting dressed and walking out is not what I wanted to do. A first for me.
When the door closes behind me, I know I’ll never be the same again.
6
ROSE
This is what I wanted. Time to think.
I try to listen to the voice in my bed as I toss and turn that evening. Sleep seems a long way off.
I never dreamed I’d let myself go like that.
When he called himself Daddy, something woke up inside of me. A breed of lust I never knew existed. A species of want I wouldn’t have imagined before he laid his inked hands on me.
I told him to go because I wanted to clear my head. But the hours since he left have only made me more confused.
Tossing and turning isn’t fun, but what else am I going to do? March next door and wake Mr Mystery in the middle of the night? Tell him losing my virginity to him was the most magical experience possible and I’m thirsty for round two already?
Just let it go. It was a bit of fun. Move on.
I think of the face he made when I mentioned Russian organized crime. I’m naïve in some ways—I won’t lie—but I’m not an idiot.Those tattoos and his general demeanor should be setting off alarm bells … gigantic fucking bells.
But honestly?
It just makes me want him more.
He spoke to me like I was his already. Like we went fromnevertoforeverin record time.
I close my eyes. Try not to see Lex …
And, of course, I fail.
The next day,I go into the backyard and get more work done. I’m pretty sure I see his curtains twitch once or twice. But that could be my mind and mood playing tricks on me. Giving me what I want and shouldn’t want.
I keep thinking about him coming around here again. Leaping the fence like he isn’t north of a ripped two-forty pounds and taking the shovel from my hands. I imagine lying in his arms after we had sex, talking about a future I shouldn’t even care about.
He doesn’t come outside. Maybe he’s giving me what I said I wanted.
Space.
Time to think.
But all I can think about is how badly I need him again.
I go to bed early, trying to lose myself in a book on my Kindle. I like fast-paced thrillers these days, short chapters, punchy and distracting. Ever since Mom passed, these are the only kinds of books that have been able to drag me away from the abyss.
Tonight, they fail. The words shift and shimmer until they become tempting sentences.
Go and be with your man.
Find Lex.
Love him.
I close my eyes. Shake my head as if I can dislodge the thoughts.
