“I don’t deserve them, and we both know that. What you give me, that’s what I deserve. You were right, I’m trash, and I know this isn’t permanent. Eventually, they will both wake up and realize there’s better out there. I’m not the forever girl, I’m the temporary one.”
She puts the gloves on, and I tighten them for her as she continues.
“You see me for what I am. And I guess I don’t have to worry about pushing you too far, because you already hate me.”
I swallow hard as I hold the bag, while processing her words.
“Throw one punch at a time. Today this isn’t about skill, but getting some of the aggression out. This is for your mental health.”
Starting with her dominant hand, as I expected, I hold the bag stable for her. She moves from right to left repeatedly.
“Spread your legs slightly and bend your knees a little.”
She does, and I nod from beside the bag.
“Let it out, Killer. There’s no shame here. I’ve done this with Carter too. Scream, yell, whatever you need to do.”
Heather stares at me, and I can see the wheels turning while she decides whether she wants to be this vulnerable with me. I don’t blame her.
“Think what you want about me, but I’m not the asshole you think I am. You’ve been through hell, and I’m not going to use it against you.”
She takes a deep breath and says, “Don’t do that, Killian. You have already used my past against me. Don’t act like the good guy now. We are far beyond that.”
I don’t argue, because she’s right. Instead, I stay silent while she punches the bag. Heather starts slow but speeds up, until she’s wailing on the bag. Her breathing becomes heavy as tears fall down her cheeks, and she screams.
“Aaghhhh!”
Then she falls to her knees, appearing broken and lost. I told my brothers I would help, for them, not for her, but as I stare at her undoing at my feet, I’m not sure it’s not for her.
Taking the bag down, I place it on the floor and roll it against the wall. I kneel in front of her and ask, “What do you need?”
Heather glances at me, before quickly darting her eyes away.
“Killer, what do you need? From any of us, including me. Speak it, and it’s yours.”
Her lashes flutter as she lifts her gaze to mine. Her voice is pained as she speaks.
“Hurt me.”
For the first time since I met this woman, I don’t want to cause her pain, but this is her one request, so I’ll do it.
“What’s your safe word, Killer?”
Her lips quirk up into the slightest of smiles.
“Donut.”
I look at her, and it’s as if I’m seeing her for the first fucking time. She needs pain to get through this, the way I have so many times before. Suddenly, I understand the fascination my brothers have with this woman. When we look in a mirror, we see ourselves, flaws and all. The woman in front of me reflects the pain I know so well, but there’s something else.
A light in the dark night.
Beauty in the most grotesque place.
Yet, she’s also a thirst that cannot be quenched.
A craving never satisfied.
If I’m not careful, I’ll end up like both of my brothers, lost to this woman, and that cannot happen.
