“Carter, this is not your fucking fault. He is a brutal monster. Chances are, he would have come after her even if you hadn’t lived.”
I stare at the ground, unable to look at him, as Knox joins us and stands beside Killian.
“The only way I can forget is to die.”
My brothers share a worried glance as they both swallow hard.
Knox grabs Kill’s sleeve and pleads, “Killian, do something. I can’t lose my brother again.”
I look up and watch him fall to his knees, as he puts his face in his hands and sobs.
Killian glares daggers at me. “Is that the plan? You’re going to leave us here and take your fucking life?”
It wasn’t a well thought out plan, but that’s the only way to make the insanity stop and right my wrong.
I nod, as my breaths come out heavy and slow.
“It’s better this way, Kill. I’m fucked up. It took six years for me to speak again. I thought after enough time I’d learn to handle touch. I’ve spent nearly my entire life with no physical contact. I’m not fucking normal. I can’t be fixed.”
I run my hands through my hair, pulling at the strands, as the voice that haunts me speaks the truth.
“You’re a useless piece of shit. Everyone would be better off if you were dead.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
THE HEATHEN
Carter was quiet on the walk back to the car, and he hasn’t said a word the entire drive home. It’s as if he’s not really here. His mind is somewhere else. Something I know all too well.
I say his name, quietly, and get no response, so I say it louder.
“Carter?”
He jumps, and stares at me with wild eyes. Knox watches us from the rearview mirror, pulls over to the side of the road, and groans, “Fuck. Tesoro, I need you to slowly shift to your door, and get out of the car.”
My heart pounds as I follow his instructions, but keep my gaze locked on Carter's unblinking eyes. I’ve never seen him like this, and it’s terrifying. I know I’m looking into a killer's eyes, but it’s not anger radiating from him.
It’s fear.
His breaths are audible, as his chest rises and falls in rapid succession.
I place my hand on the door handle as he speaks low.
“I want my mommy.”
“Tesoro,” Knox snaps, and I open the door and get out.
I watch as he gets out of the car and opens Carter's door.
“You’re safe, Carter. It’s a flashback. Nothing bad is happening anymore. Take a deep breath and count to ten.”
I’ve faced a lot of hard moments in my life, but this one definitely makes the top three. I want to go to him and wrap my arms around him. I want to tell him he’s okay, and I’ll take away the pain. But I can’t erase what he’s been through. And I can’t fucking touch him.
I care about him.
The realization hits me square in the chest, stealing my ability to breathe. I’ve never felt anything for anyone before now. I mostly know hate. For my father, for the things he’s done to me. For my mother, for not only allowing it, but encouraging it. For the men in my family that abuse innocent children. God because he allowed this to happen.
Caringfor someone is completely new.
