“Don’t stop.”
It’s so hard to do this when I know he’s fighting himself not to safeword. A thin sheen of sweat appears on his forehead, and I ask, “Can I kiss you, or is that too much?”
A tear falls down his cheek, and he speaks in a broken voice.
“You are everything to me. I wanted to be everything to you. I thought we were two broken souls, sent to save each other from our tragic pasts, but I was wrong. So fucking wrong. You aren’t broken. Not like me. I’m the kind of fucked up that can’t be fixed.”
I open my mouth to speak, but he looks at Knox and says, “Get her away from me.”
“Carter,” I cry, as I put both of my hands behind my back.
His growl is loud, pained, and cuts me to the bone.
“CHURCH!”
“Tesoro, go. Wait for me in the lounge. I’ll be there to talk to you in a little while.”
I rise from the bed but don’t move. Staring at Carter's broken expression, I say, “I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t say a word, Carter just lies there shaking, and looking away from me, as I turn towards the door and leave the room. I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t see what the future holds, but right now I feel like I’ve lost Carter, and only now do I understand how much he means to me.
The walk into the lounge by myself is lonely. It’s like I’m waiting for Knox to come and tell me to leave. I’ve always known this was temporary, but now that it might be coming to an end, it’s so much worse than I imagined.
I take a seat on the sofa and wait. As I stare at the bracelet on my wrist, the tears make the charms hard to make out. It’s hard to believe that was such a short time ago. What a difference a day can make. We can go from having everything to nothing in the blink of an eye.
Tears drip down my face as I try to control my breathing. I don’t want this to be the end for us. How did I fall for them so fast? I think the better question is how could I not?
These men were the first to touch me with something that resembles love. I’ve never had someone look at me the way they do. Every touch is like words softly caressing my skin with affirmations that I’m enough. Without them, I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.
Reaching into my pocket, I pull my cross out and hold it in my open palm. With my free hand, I rub my thumb over the floral design down the middle.
“Put the cross down, Tesoro. Now,” Knox says as he enters the lounge. The cross falls from my hand and clinks against the floor. Placing my hand over my heart, I gasp, “You scared the hell out of me.”
Knox stands staring at me with a narrowed gaze.
“What did I tell you about hurting yourself?”
Swallowing hard, I blink back the tears threatening to fall.
“I wasn’t. I was thinking about things, but I wasn’t going to cut myself.”
He moves closer and sits on the sofa beside me.
“Come here, Tesoro. You need me, and I fucking need you.”
“Is Carter okay?” I ask as I fall into his arms.
Knox wraps his arms around me and holds me tight against his chest. The scent of vanilla, pine, and a hint of whiskey, envelops me like a warm blanket.
“He’s not. I hope he will be. Carter has had a hard life, and while you make it easier in many aspects, it’s also harder, because he puts unrealistic pressure on himself. He has never wanted to be touched by anyone. Until you. He wants to want it so badly, he tried forcing himself. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I can’t make his choices for him.”
I tilt my head back and look into his eyes.
“You knew this would happen.” It’s not a question, but a statement, and I don’t try to hide the surprise in my voice.
“Yes. I knew you’d both be hurt, Tesoro. I’m not blind to how you feel about my brother. I knew he’d reach his breaking point, and I knew it’d devastate you.”
I don’t fight the tears that come at his confession. One by one I let them fall.
