She shrugged trying for a nonchalance she didn’t feel, and pretty certain she’d failed miserably. “Just that, I think. I need a little time on my own.”
“Yeah, I get that. Want me to help find your jeans and your sweater? I think they’re on the chair by the bed, but I have no idea what happened to your underwear.”
She got to her feet, her stomach twisting into a small knot. “I know where they are. Thank you, though.”
She retrieved her clothes and quickly changed, then picked up her boots from the floor. “I’ll… I’ll text you. Okay?”
“Yeah. Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will,” she said, trying to smile.
He leaned in to brush a kiss across her cheek. “You can, you know. You can let me know if you need something. You can let me know if you need to talk.”
“I know. Thank you.”
He took her hand and kissed the back of it, holding on a moment too long, and she pulled away as gently as she could as her pulse raced and her heart thudded in her chest. She tried to smile again before she turned to leave, then made the short walk to her own door.
Once inside her apartment, she shut the door behind her and leaned her back against it. But she didn’t feel any safer. She didn’t feel any sense of relief, even though she’d been desperate to get out of there and into her own space. All she felt was bereft.
“Stop it,” she said to the empty air.
Too empty.
She pushed off the door with a frustrated huff, and turned the heat in the apartment up, then stripped off her clothes and headed for the bathroom, where she turned the water on in the shower. She waited for it to heat up, got in, and ducked her head under the spray. She tried to let the hot water relax her, but it wasn’t helping. She huffed out another breath and got to work washing her long hair. But even after washing and conditioning it, she swore she could smell his scent in her hair.
Brody.
No.
Why couldn’t she stop thinking about him? She was a big girl—there was no reason why she couldn’t enjoy some great sex and kink play without getting attached. Even to the man who had broken down her walls and gotten her into subspace for the first time since long before her divorce. Brody was just a man. It wasn’t like he was magic.
Except he was.
“Damn it,” she swore into the steam curling around her.
She grabbed her mesh scrubbie and ran it over her skin with some body shampoo, scrubbing a little harder than she had to. But as she ran it over the welts on her ass, her thighs, her back, it only reminded her of him. The man on the other side of the wall, who had left those welts on her, giving her exactly what she needed, and more. The man who was probably wondering what the hell was wrong with her.
She was wondering, too.
No. That was a lie. Because she knew what the issue was. It was him. It was her. It was the way she felt about him. The way she’d felt about Brody Hale since the first time they’d met. How much more she’d felt for him each time she’d seen him at the club, or at her best friend’s house. How she’d known she was falling for him a little after that last conversation at Micah and Arrow’s firepit, when they’d talked long into the night. The way those feelings had started to blow up the minute he’d arrived at the Ranch. And especially, how it had all exploded into a thousand tiny pieces after these last few weeks with him.
The sex and the kink. The deep conversations about life. Their hopes and dreams. They were so aligned, it seemed impossible. Itwasimpossible. Because no matter how incredible the sex and the BDSM play were, no matter how many things they had in common, she was too old for him. Maybe it wasn’t that noticeable now, but it would be in a few years. Andshe couldn’t bear the thought of him rejecting her down the road.
No, the only thing to do was to end it now, before she got in any deeper.
But that was a lie, too. Because she was already in as deep as one could get.
She loved him.
“No,” she moaned to her empty apartment, tears stinging her eyes.
She shut off the water and got out of the shower, dried herself hurriedly, then got into her warm pink robe. She was so tired, suddenly, but all she could do was pace until she was too worn out to continue.
She went to the big window in the living area and stared out at the mountains silhouetted against a full moon that hung brightly in the dark sky. Her body was filled with the same anxiety she’d been feeling since her revelation at his place a little while ago, except that it had gotten worse.
She tried to take a few deep, calming breaths, but they did nothing to calm her. Maybe she should call Micah. Or Reese. Or Luna. Or Wren, or Sadie. Someone to talk this through with, to help her calm down. But she realized in a flash that she’d left her cell phone next door.
“It’s not the end of the world,” she told herself. “Even if it feels like it. You’ve got this.”
