She wanted to. With him. She didn’t exactly understand why she felt such a need to give him that much, to hand over that big a piece of herself. She just knew that she wanted it,cravedit, and that she felt she could trust him to take her that far, in a way she never had with anyone else. In a way that had her blood heating and desire washing over her simply having this discussion with him. But she also wanted to know more.
“Brody? Is this okay? That I’m asking about your past relationships? Especially those in which you practiced kink?”
“Yeah, of course. I would have let you know if I wasn’t comfortable with it, but it’s relevant to our negotiations. I don’t actually have too much to tell. I haven’t had too many long-term relationships. Like I mentioned before, being a pro football player doesn’t exactly lend itself to developing solid, long-term relationships. We practice a lot, travel a lot during the year, and work out like mad in between. The focus is so much on being the best players we can be, and while we’re busy doing that, a lot of life sort of passes us by. The times I have been in a relationship, I know I didn’t give my partner the time and focus they deserved. I was with my ex, Dana, for about two years and that’s what broke us up. She needed more from me, and fairly so. I’ve only had two other real relationships, but they only lasted around six months. Peyton was the most recent. They both happened after I retired from football, but they just… I don’t know. I found that I wasn’t able to give them what they deserved, either, despite the fact that I was no longer playing, and I didn’t have this huge point of focus. The intensity of connection wasn’t there with either of them, although I really tried to give those relationships a chance. I still can’t pinpoint why.”
“They weren’t your person,” Claudia said quietly, not wanting to presume, but feeling it with a deep certainty.
He nodded, shadows passing over his eyes. “Yeah. I think you’re right. They weren’t my person,” he said, gazing at her, his expression serious.
She wasn’t certain what that meant. Maybe he was simply reflecting back on those relationships. Why, then, were there butterflies fluttering in her stomach, making her go warm all over?
“So, you’ve never found your person? Neither have I,” she said. “Although I thought I was in love with Kenny for a long time, and maybe I was in those early years. It was simply never returned once we got through the honeymoon stage, and I thinkbetween being so young when I married him, and the way I grew up, I didn’t quite understand what real love was. But I’m learning by example now. In fact, I was learning when he and I were still together, mostly from the people I saw at the dungeon. Micah and Arrow are still swooning over each other.”
“Yeah, they are. But don’t tell Arrow I said that,” he said with a chuckle. “I love that for my cousin, and for him, too.”
“Do you think… do you think you’ve ever been in love?” she asked, wondering if she were crossing a line.
“I think I’ve loved people before. But in love? That’s a whole other experience, I’m pretty sure. Sad, but true.”
She nodded, thinking. Was he relationship avoidant? Or had he really just not met the right person with the constant busyness of his career? And why did it matter to her, anyway? He was there for six weeks, and he would help her learn to let go again, to rediscover kink, and perhaps, in the process, rediscover herself, to some degree. But that was it.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“For what?”
“For being so nosy about your love life. I shouldn’t have asked you that.”
“No, it’s fine,” he answered. “This is about us getting to know each other, and that’s not a one-way street.” He paused, his dark brown gaze searching her face. “Claudia? Iwantto tell you about my past, about how I got here. You make me feel as if I can, or we wouldn’t be here doing this right now. I don’t know what it is, exactly…”
A hard lump formed in her throat, and she wasn’t sure why. But she had to ask, “Whatwhatis?”
He gave a small shake of his head. “Why I feel so damn comfortable with you. Why I want to tell you every single thing about myself. Why it feels important. And why I can barely restrain myself from kissing you again.”
His eyes were absolutely burning—burning right into her. Her body. Her heart, in a way she didn’t want to acknowledge because she was afraid of what that might mean. He reached out across the table and took her hand in his.
“Do you feel this?” he asked, his tone low, so quiet it was almost a whisper. “Here,” he said, placing her fingertips at his inner wrist and pressing a bit. “Do you feel the way you make my pulse race? This is… unprecedented. And I need you to be honest with me if this makes you uncomfortable, because I really do not want to do that. Butdamn, woman, you do things to me I’ve never felt before. It’s something I’ve been sitting on for a while. But I have to tell you, the attraction to you was instant. That first time we met? I went home and thought about you for days. Then we met again, so briefly. Too briefly. And you were still with your ex, but every time I saw you… no. It was more than that. It wasn’t just attraction; it wasn’t justseeingyou. It was the times we talked after you and the ex broke up, especially that last time, when we talked for hours. But it also went beyond that. It was… magnetic. Like I was drawn to you by some inexplicable force. And fuck, now I sound like some kind of stalker,” he ended with a sharp laugh.
“No, not at all. Because it was like that for me, too. But, Brody, I’m eight years older than you.”
“And?” he asked.
“And while we can play and become friends, and maybe even… take things a bit further than that—because I do understand that magnetism—I still can’t look beyond that point. Do you understand what I mean?”
“Of course. Yeah. I wasn’t suggesting anything more. I was trying to explain why I feel so connected and comfortable with you, and I hope you do, too.”
“Yes, absolutely, I do.”
She did. And it seemed he did. And she was lying to herself and maybe to him, too, that she couldn’t see more. The truth was, she could. She simply didn’t trust herself to know if that was a viable option.
“Okay. Good.”
“But, Brody? I want a little more than the kink dynamic. I want… to be touched. I hope what I just said won’t deter you from that.”
He shrugged, and she wasn’t certain if he was being purposely nonchalant, or if he meant it. “This can be the power exchange, the roles, the dynamic. There can be kissing and sexual contact if you’re open to it. No other expectations, okay?”
“Yes, okay. In that case… will you kiss me again?S’il vous plait?”
“Jesus, yes. But I need to ask you something first so I can make sure I’m not crossing any boundaries here. When you said no sexual contact in the Dungeon in front of other people, did that mean none at all?”
