I know my sister’s trying to make light of the situation, but I can’t help but think just how wrong she is.
This girl needs a dad, someone to look up to, someone who knows what they’re doing. And that definitely isn’t me.
***
“If you keep this pillow on the other side of her, then she won’t roll off in the middle of the night.” Rhonan fluffs the pillows he placed near the edge of my bed.
“What if I roll over on her and squish her?”
He pushes a hand through his hair. “I remember worrying about the same thing with Ellis, but I promise, you’re more aware of her presence than you think. It’s instinct.”
I’m standing in my room as Rhonan walks me through a few things for my first night alone with my daughter.
Even though I’m fairly certain a paternity test is unnecessary, my friends still suggested that I get one, so I added that to the long list of things to do and items to purchase over the next few days—the first of which is a crib.
“I don’t have any instincts when it comes to babies, Rhonan. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.”
My eyes sting with the threat of tears. I think I’m more nervous and unprepared than scared or sad. Four hours ago, I was conducting interviews at the lodge. Now I’m a dad.
“I get it, Henley. I do. After Sarah…”
Guilt slams into me. Here I am freaking out about doing this on my own, but that’s been Rhonan’s reality since the day Ellis was born—the same day he lost his wife. Ellis’s mom would have been there if she could, but fate had other plans. He’s the only one who remotely understands what I’m going through here.
He shakes his head. “I just don’t understand how someone could abandon their child—”
“Honestly, I think Remy is better off,” I cut in.
“Why?”
“Because having a parent who’s around but doesn’t give a shit about you is no better, Rhonan.”
We share a look, silently speaking words neither of us needs to voice. While my parents were MIA, Rhonan had two of the most loving parents a kid could ask for. Sadly, his mom passed away when we were twenty, but he and Laney were always loved, cherished, and wanted.
And that’s when it hits me—that’s exactly how I want my daughterto feel.
Even though I have so much to learn, Remy deserves every ounce of effort I’ve got. The overwhelm is flooding my body right now.
“No one’s ever ready to be a parent, and no parent is perfect,” Rhonan says, breaking the silence. “But my mom used to say that the best parents are the ones who just never stop trying, even when they screw up.”
Nodding, I glance over at Remy sleeping soundly in her carrier again. “I’m so out of my depth here.”
“You’ll adjust. But seriously, try to find some help.”
Turning to face him again, I nod. “I’ll add it to the list.”
Rhonan glances down at his watch and sighs. “All right. Well, I need to get going if I’m going to make bedtime. Ellis is probably going to pick the same story we’ve read all week, but if I’m not there to read it, I feel like shit.”
“You read to her every night?”
“On the nights I’m not working, yeah. Why?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “My parents never did that.”
He tilts his head. “Will she remember the story? Probably not. But will she remember me being there? Yeah, she will. And that’s what matters, Henley.” He casts his eyes on my daughter. “Parenthood is going to teach you a lot about yourself, my man. Just wait and fucking see.”
With that, he’s out the door.
I let out a heavy sigh. “Well, I guess it’s just you and me, Remy.” Bending down, I lift her from the carrier and adjust her awkwardly in my arms, not yet used to holding a baby.
