‘About Dean?’
‘No, not about Dean. About relinquishing your hold on Hudson House.’
‘I do feel I’m deserting the old dears. Poor Tom was in tears yesterday.’
‘Well, you and Fabian and Kamran aren’t actually turfing them out, which is what you were worried about. You’ll still be up there, can still pop in and see them all, albeit in your chef whites.’
‘D’you think, Mum,’ I asked, looking directly at her, ‘that if Kamran Sattar hadn’t come into your life, hadn’t fallen in love with you as he so obviously has, he’d have gone ahead with his plans to knock down Hudson House? Razed the whole lot to the ground and extended his bloody fish finger empire on that site rather than now looking to knock down St Mede’s school?’
‘I don’t know, Jess.’ Mum concentrated on pouring the fresh milk into her cup.
‘Come on, Mum, youmustknow. You’ve been with him three months; he must have talked to you about it. What are the damned Sattars planning now?’
‘Jess, I really don’t understand why you’re being so hostile to Kamran. For heaven’s sake, you’re going into business with him, opening a restaurant with him. Something you’ve always wanted. Mind you, you could do without Dean along for the ride…’
‘Mum, I’m not “going into business with him”!’I air-quoted the words irritably.‘It’s Kamran’s and Fabian’s money that’s sorting it.Idon’t have any money to put into any business, you know that.I’malong for the ride if anyone’s along for any damned ride.’ Knowing Mum was right about Dean, I was feeling even more cross. ‘Lola!’ I moved to the bottom of the stairs. ‘If you don’t come down now, you’ll miss the coach to the high school.’ I turned back to Mum. ‘What are you up to today?’
‘Why don’t I come up to Hudson House with you later on? You’re on the afternoon and evening shift? I’ve not been up there for a couple of weeks and Kamran says the renovations to The White House are really coming on.’
‘Whatever.’ I felt so tired, so stressed, the thought of facing the reality of the next step of The White House venture was making me feel physically ill.
‘I’ll walk with Lola down to school…’ Mum began.
‘Mum, she’s eleven; she doesn’t need a chaperone to go down the lane.’
‘…and then you go back to bed for a couple of hours. I’ll pick you up at eleven thirty.’
* * *
‘Goodness, it really is coming on, isn’t it?’ I shaded my eyes against the weak March sunshine, gazing up and across the lawns, rose beds and vegetable gardens of the old mill owner’s mansion, towards the extended summer house that would soon be opened as The White House restaurant.
‘But you must have been up here recently, Jess? Goodness, I’d have been up every day if it was my business.’
‘I keep telling you, it’snotmy business, Mum.’
‘You’re going to be one of the chefs.’
‘Exactly. Just one of the chefs. Without any formal training.’
‘All those cookery courses you went on?’ Mum turned back to me. ‘Not that you needed them, darling.And,’ she went on when I didn’t reply, ‘you’ve run your own catering business…’
‘For six months before Covid scuppered that.’
‘And, Jess, for heaven’s sake, you won the Yorkshire Chef competition.’
‘A paltry little Christmas competition…’
‘Stop it, Jess. You can do this. OK, you’re not going to be head chef, but Fabian will be in the kitchens with you. You’ll be learning on the job together.’
‘Mum, I can’t do it.’ I felt myself go into panic mode. ‘I’m a carer, not a chef. I’m good at that. I’m going to tell Kamran and Fabian: I can’t do it. I don’twantto do it. I’m not giving my job up at Hudson House. And who’s going to look after Lola when I’m on the evening shifts? No one’s thought of that, have they? She’s already going off the rails: she had lip gloss on this morning.’
Mum started laughing at that. ‘As did you, Robyn and Sorrel at eleven if I remember correctly.’
‘They need me there, at the home…’
‘Where were you, my darling Jess, when God was giving out confidence and self-esteem?’
‘At the front of the big-arse queue.’ I sniffed, feeling tears start again. What the hell was the matter with me? Had I got long covid? Early menopause at just thirty? Or was I simply depressed? I certainly felt anxious and miserable, when I should have been feeling so excited, so ready to get on with this fabulous new venture I was going to be part of.
