My heart-stars ache in my chest. I wish the Goddesses would just show me what trial it is I must complete to banish this feeling away. What is it that I must do? She does not want me, and I-
I do not want to want her.
The village is in view and soon I am landing smoothly, barely jostling the hostile and bristling little thing in my hold. I do not put Ah-Lanah down straight away. Perhaps I should, but I cannot. I look down at her cradled in my arms but she is determined that our eyes should not meet. Her arms are unhooked from around my neck and I hate myself for missing them. Stupid fool that I am. She begins to squirm and I think if I just held onto her for longer, she might start clawing at me like one of the wild, blue-tailed cat-beasts of the forest.
"Will you just let me dow-omff!"
I drop her.
I tell myself I meant to do it that way - because she is making a fuss and is nothing but an irritation. That it wasn't because feeling her wiggling to get free, I felt the need to hold her tighter - that if I didn't let go now, I might never. My tail twitches at the thought. No. That's... that's not why I dropped the female like her soft, warm brown skin was burning into mine.
Ah-Lanah throws a fierce little glare at me over her shoulder and begins to walk away. I should let her go.
I...
Do not.
And I hate myself for it.
"That is it?" I ask, my feathers ruffling while everything inside screams for me to just 'quiet, you idiot!'Let her go. "You ruined the gathering and you're not going to even say anything?"
Ah-Lanah spins and it's like a fire lights in her eyes. Good. If I cannot ignite heart-stars in her, then let me light this. Let her suffer with this, just as I am.
"Iruined the gathering?!" she asks incredulously. I can feel the tickle of my skin-stars racing all over my body as she storms back over to me. "Are you fucking kidding me?!Youwere the big man-baby whogrowledat another guy just because of a handshake of all things!"
I've learned that when Ah-Lanah gets truly angry, her cheeks bloom a rich but subtle glowing shade - a change in color that perhaps wouldn't be noticeable if we weren't standing so close. My eyes go there and linger, then drop down to her lips - fuller than a lot of the other females... many things about Ah-Lanah could be described as fuller, to be honest, not least her hips, thighs, and that spectacular tailless rump of hers.
Unfortunately, I can feel my skin-stars start to race down my abdomen towards my cock. I need to steer away from that. "You allowed him to touch you. You encouraged it. What else was I meant to do,female?"
She splutters, craning her neck to look up at me. My tail flicks against her calf, itching to twine around it.
I'm such an idiot.
"You're such an idiot!" Ah-Lanah hisses through her little clenched teeth. "No one is making you react like that but yourself. I can touch whomever I want and these-" she reaches up and prods at my heart-stars roughly, "-are not my fault. So, you need to-"
I grab her wrist, pulling her in. "What about me? Can I touchwhomeverI want, Ah-Lanah?"
Her breath hitches as she blinks up at me. There's a moment - only a mere second or two - where I feel lit up like a moonfly while she stares at me, looking like she's not sure if she wants to push me away or pull me in. I feel trulyalivefor those two seconds.
They are short-lived.
"You're a pig," she snarls, twisting out of my grip and storming away. I do not know what a 'pig' is, but I can guess it is nothing good.
Standing there, breathing hard for a few moments, the rush I feel when Ah-Lanah attacks me like a cornered cat-beast fades, and I'm left with that familiar hollow feeling that's plagued me for the past couple of weeks. This supposed ‘mate’ of mine is making me act as foolish as the rest of the males of my tribe, falling over themselves to win a female's favor. Absentmindedly, I rub at my heart-stars as I watch her stomp away, that tailless rump jiggling enticingly as she goes.
I need to stay away from this female, I really do. But something tells me I won't be able to.
And that lack of control irritates me no end.
"Second Spear?"
My irritation spikes further and I turn to see Aloryk approach. He is a trainee who is fast approaching the end of his youth. His wary eyes dart behind me, where Ah-Lanah has disappeared. There's concern and pity in his gaze when it returns to me, his superior, and this is something I do not like to see - not from my males, not from anyone. I straighten my spine and lift my chin. "What?" I ground out.
"High Spear Rynn wishes to see you."
***
Rynn's hut is larger than all of the others. It is his right as High Spear. It has been this way since his father was High Spear and the High Spears who came before him. When we were younglings, Rynn had always desired to lead our people - to follow beneath the wings of his father. I, like all others of the tribe had the opportunity to challenge Rynn before he picked up the title of High Spear. Some even suggested I should. I knew I could outmaneuver him in hand-to-hand combat if it came to it. I even have the superior hunting skills.
