I laugh. “Yes. You had boxes everywhere because you were packing to move, and you sat on one and pulled me onto your lap. You said, ‘I’m madly in love with you.’”
“And what did you say?”
“I said, ‘That’s good because I’m madly in love with you.’”
Xander looks wistful. “I wish I could remember that.”
I giggle, thinking about it.
“What’s so funny?”
“I may have done something to you after on that box...before it collapsed.” My face heats.
“And what were you doing to me?”
I clear my throat. “Use your imagination.”
“It doesn’t happen to have the initials Band J, does it?”
“Maybe.”
“And the box collapsed?”
I nod. “Right when it was getting good for you.”
He burst out laughing. “Okay, now I really wish I could remember that.”
I brush my hand through his hair. “Maybe you will someday.”
Sadness briefly passes his eyes.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I just need to keep reminding myself the past doesn’t matter, and only the future does.”
I stare at him. “What scares you the most about that?”
He hesitates. “You want honesty?”
“Yes.”
“It used to be not remembering everything but not anymore.”
“What is it now?”
“I’m scared I will go to sleep and have another dream, and I will hurt you. So while I want to sleep with you wrapped up in my arms, I think I need to spend the night on the couch.” His eyes drill into mine, full of fear and anxiety.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I don’t want to lose you, but more than that, I don’t want to hurt you, Charlotte.”
“I know.”
He sits up against the headboard. “When I started remembering things, flashbacks would fly at me during strange moments. I don’t trust my mind right now.”
I understand what he’s saying, but I don’t want him on the couch. I want to sleep curled up to him. So many months, I cried myself to sleep or woke up to a pillow soggy with tears because he wasn’t here. I don’t want to go backward. I cup his face in my hands. “Don’t go. If something happens, I’ll deal with it.”
“I don’t want you to have to deal with it. I don’t want to cause you any more pain. You don’t deserve that.”
