How does she know?
It’s as if she’s tapping into my thoughts, digging into the fear I have that things are never truly going to be okay again. It’s a simple phrase, “everything will be okay,” and I’ve heard it from many people. Somehow, coming from Charlotte, it’s like she actually understands my fears without me even saying them.
It’s like everything from the last six months comes rushing to the surface, and the dam breaks. Maybe it’s because I held it in for so long, or possibly because she is the only one who seems to understand me, but she pulls me into her chest, and I have a total breakdown, as tears flow out of me.
Charlotte holds me tight, kissing the top of my head.
“What if it never comes back,” I choke out.
“Everything will still be okay.
“Will it?”
“Yes.” She says it as if there is no room to argue, and it makes me believe, if only at that moment, it will be.
She pulls away and cups my cheeks in her hands. Her blue eyes, full of compassion, stare into mine. “What’s the worst part of not remembering?”
“Originally the frustration or confusion of not remembering, but that’s no longer the worst thing.”
“What is?”
I haven’t known her for years, and besides my dreams, reading old text messages, and the pancakes, I don’t remember our time together. Technically, I’ve only been around her for a few days, but everything about Charlotte makes me feel like I’ve known her forever, and she’s special. And I know her last six months have been painful because of me. “That I’ve hurt you.”
She blinks back her tears and uses her thumbs to wipe away the tears seeping out of my eyes. She says, “That’s not your fault.”
“It is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“I hate myself for it.” And I do. I’m not only telling her that. In the last two days, I’ve beaten myself up too many times to count over the fact I’ve caused her any pain in her life. She’s already had a lifetime’s worth and deserves nothing but to be loved.
She puts her forehead to mine. “Don’t.”
I turn from her. She lays her palm on my cheek and brings me back to face her. “Don’t.”
How can she not hate me for what I’ve put her through?
A different confusion fills my mind as I melt into her blue eyes full of concern for me, when I deserve anything but that from her.
Then she kisses me, giving herself once again so freely to me, telling me she will be mine forever if I want her.
It kills me further, as I kiss her back, not able to control myself, but knowing I need to get my memory back and get Billie out of my head once and for all. I’m not 100 percent Charlotte’s until I do. And that’s what she deserves.
We make love several times throughout the night. When I finally fall asleep, Charlotte is curled in my arms, and everything feels right. I have a notion things will be okay, that going forward, I won’t hurt her anymore, but that is my mistake.
I should have stayed awake.
15
Xander
“Yes, Billie, don’t stop,”I tell her as she circles her hips on my cock.
“You like that?” She stops.
“Don’t be a tease.” I grasp her hips and move them myself.
She giggles, and her honey-colored hair falls against my face as she leans down and kisses me.
