Almost.
There were so many emotions in his eyes: confusion, fear, frustration. I saw it all, and it ripped my heart into tinier pieces.
As much as I wanted to tell him, it wasn’t fair, not to me, nor him. He was going through enough pain from losing his memory.
If I told him what he did, I inevitably would end up in his arms, and it would just be him trying to comfort me. I’d be wrecked further. If he knew why he hurt me, he’d feel more guilt. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t remember or that he still loved Billie.
So I didn’t tell him because it wasn’t fair. I knew from my childhood, life wasn’t fair and how hard it was.
Growing up in an orphanage with no one to love or care for me, fair was not something that ever entered my life. I tried not to let my past turn me into a victim, not to let it harden my heart. But for once, I wish the universe would give me just a bit of fairness.
But it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
So, I spared Xander from it and took all the pain for myself. Out of all the things I’ve been through, this feels the worst, and I don’t know how that’s possible.
I only spent a few nights with him. Every day, for several months, we communicated every way possible, but logically, this pain I feel shouldn’t be this deep.
It was only a few days.
Then again, we told each other our secrets. I shared things I hadn’t shared with anyone I had dated before. And we declared our love and made promises to one other.
But I will take on more pain to shield Xander. He didn’t deserve to lose his memory. It’s my fault we were in the accident anyway. If I hadn’t flown in to surprise him, he wouldn’t have insisted on driving me to the airport. We wouldn’t have gotten into the accident, and his memory wouldn’t be gone.
If I hadn’t allowed him to drive me, we would be together right now.
I can’t imagine what he is going through, and even though I can’t have him, I want him to be guilt-free and happy, even if it’s with Billie.
I sit in my car sobbing so hard, it takes me a while to pull myself together enough to drive home.
When I get there, I curl up in a ball on my bed. I need to figure out a way to work next to him and not feel like this. Now that he’s in Chicago and our paths have crossed professionally, I’m going to have to deal with it. I can’t be breaking down every time I’m around him.
I’m trying to figure out a strategy of how to forget him when I hear my buzzer. I go over and hit the intercom.
“Let me in, Charlotte.” Quinn’s voice comes through the speaker.
Why is Quinn here? I wrack my brain then remember the girls and I planned to go out for dinner and drinks to celebrate my first day back. I hit the buzzer, and it doesn’t take long till Quinn is standing in my apartment.
When she steps in, she gives me a big hug. “How was your first day back?”
I lie to her. “Fine.”
She tilts her head and squints at me. “Charlotte, have you been crying?”
I turn away.
Quinn puts her arm around my shoulder. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
My stomach shakes again. “I was in surgery all day with Xander.”
“What? Come sit down.” She pulls me over to the couch.
“He’s in Chicago, the new surgeon on my team of doctors. For seven hours, I had to work next to him.”
Quinn puts her hand over her mouth. Then she removes it and asks, “Does he remember you.”
I scan Quinn’s eyes, not sure if I should tell her.
“What? Tell me.”
