I gave a humorless laugh. “Well, lucky you. Our very brief conversation ended with her telling me she never wanted to see me again.” I took another drink. “Nothing I didn’t deserve.”
Josh leaned against the bar, arms crossed loosely. “Don’t be unfair to yourself, man. Your family lost the diner, your dad’s health was in free fall, and you needed to make a good income for them. No one blames you for moving to work with your uncle.”
He studied me for a second before adding, “That said…you could’ve handled things with Kira better.”
Just then, the bartender reappeared with one untouched glass, looking sheepish.
Josh let out a slow exhale and muttered under his breath, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He stepped away to intervene. “Did you write down the wrong order again? No, man—we talked about this. Come on.”
He left me alone momentarily with my sinking thoughts.
Although I tried to keep up with updates in Kira’s life—find me someone who didn’t Instagram stalk their ex—she didn’tshare much online. I always assumed things had gone exactly the way she’d planned: move into the city, go to art school, sell a bunch of successful paintings, and live happily ever after.
Her family never supported our relationship. Truthfully, I always thought she’d be way better off without me, anyways.
What if, I thought, with a hole tearing through my gut,things didn’t go as planned for her?
Josh returned, weariness drawing down his face. The bags under his eyes appeared darker, and he looked like he could use a very long nap. I was empathetic toward his situation. Owning a bar was probably as stressful, if not more, than owning a diner.
“Who knew it was so hard to find a capable bartender?” he joked.
I didn’t answer, instead asking a question of my own. “How is Kira?”
Josh had been a constant in my life just like Kira was. We were all neighborhood kids, though Kira’s parents didn’t love her hanging out with us past 5:00 p.m.
The two of them were friendly, or at least that’s how I remembered them. She used to tutor him in geometry on the school bus rides home, and he’d thank her with vending machine potato chips.
“I think she’s all right,” Josh said slowly, like he wasn’t sure how much to reveal. “She gave up on art, but don’t ask me why. Seems like she has a happy, successful life. Despite dating a few bad dudes.”
I focused on keeping a neutral face, despite the jealousy that burned like the whiskey. Kira had a right to date other people. “Who did she date?”
“There was Theo. The asshole cheated on her. Then later was Jae, who talked a lot of shit about her to anyone who would listen.”
“What did he say?”
Josh shifted uncomfortably, refusing to meet my eye. He plucked a stray thread from a nearby dish rag and answered, “He said a lot of things about her personality, that she was too uptight. But I think the worst part was he told everyone she was bad in bed. Distant and cold were the words he used.”
Kira, distant in bed? Cold? That couldn’t be farther from the truth. The first time we slept together, she was nervous, but not any more than me. Nerves were part of your first time. But once we burned through the nerves with slow kisses, she was passionate. On fire. I’d never felt more alive or more wanted than when we were in bed together.
Those words would have devastated Kira. She’d put on a brave face, but it would have dismantled her from the inside.
Not for the first time, I wished I had stayed to be there for her. Stayed to explain things to her, to hold her hand when everything around us was falling apart. To at least say goodbye the right way.
“Her current boyfriend seems better,” Josh said with a shrug, “but it’s not like I know the guy or anything.”
A slow ache bloomed in my chest, dull and sharp all at once.
I hadn’t let myself think too hard about Kira moving on. The idea of her smiling at someone else the way she used to smile at me twisted something in my gut. I tried to push the thought down, but it clung to my ribs.
Josh leaned over the bar, lowering his voice. “Why do you ask?”
“No reason.”
“That grimace you made when I mentioned her boyfriend says otherwise.”
I sighed, forcing a casual tone. “I’m curious. Can’t an old friend check in?”
He gave me a long, pointed look. “You and Kira were never just friends. Don’t act like you don’t still want her back.”
