“I finished my painting and drawing. The mixed-media piece is still a work in progress.” In other words, I had no idea what I was going to do.
Ariadne waved her hand. “You’ll get it done. That’s such an exciting update.”
“Thanks.” I paused. “But that might not be the biggest update I have.”
They all stared at me.
“Landon and I are dating.”
Ariadne’s jaw dropped. “I’m sorry, did I miss a chapter?”
“I thought we hated him almost as much as we hated the art room destroyer ex.” Britney seemed confused.
Macey only watched knowingly. I hadn’t given her a Landon update in a while, but somehow, she had figured it out. I swear, those half-million followers on Instagram were like flies on the wall.
“We don’t hate him anymore,” I admitted, well aware that I never hated Landon. Disliked? Sure. Angry at? Definitely. Hate? Never.
“Is it like a reconnect and hookup thing?” Britney asked.
“No,” I answered immediately, my cheeks heating. “We haven’t hooked up. Not in years, anyways.”
“What happened?” Ariadne asked.
“There wasn’t much to it, really. I told him I would give him a second chance.”
Both Britney and Ariadne opened their mouths, likely with further questions about our relationship, but Macey interrupted. “The most important question is: Are you happy?”
I considered it.Was I happy?Being with Landon made me less anxious and less on edge when compared to my other relationships. Our future was still uncertain, though. I didn’t think I would be completely happy until I knew where my future lay.
A text buzzed on my phone.
Landon: I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.
Landon: Not that that’s anything new.
In the end, my answer didn’t require much thinking. “I’m on a really good path to happiness.”
Macey tilted her head, satisfied. “Then that’s all that matters.”
Kira: What are you thinking about?
His response was immediate.
Landon: Kissing you. The way you always smell like lavender. Touching your face.
Kira: Only my face?
If this text had come from anyone else, I would have shrunk back into myself. Idefinitelywould not have responded so boldly.
These were normal texts between people who dated, I rationally knew. I’d read enough romance books to understand the mechanics of sexting.
With past boyfriends, something inside of me cringed whenever there was any dirty talk. I always knew why. It was because dirty talk led to touching and touching led to sex and sex led me to anxious feelings.
It used to make me feel broken. Why didn’t I enjoy any of those things when every romance book and movie ever created pointed to sex as being some of the best things you could experience? There must have been a neuron or an atom or somethingscientific missing inside my brain that caused me to rarely crave it.
Now I was coming to terms with it. Perhaps I was wired a little differently than everyone around me, but that didn’t mean I was broken. I could still experience all of those things. Admittedly, it couldn’t be with just anyone. It had to be with someone truly special, who I cared about deeply, like Landon. No matter how I’d tried to force it over the years, I couldn’t make myself fall in love with anyone else.
Sex for me didn’t work without feelings. Feelings deep enough to tether me to the other person. If I didn’t love the person I was with, then all I would feel about sex was anxiety.
