“It must have been hard on you.”
Sandwich halfway to his mouth, he froze. “It was. I went from having no responsibilities beyond passing finals and making my bed to all of a sudden caring for a whole human being. Daphne had always been a priority, but it felt like she then became my entire life. I was so angry at first. At my mom for dying and leaving me with all these responsibilities. At Daphne, too, for being the reason I dropped out of college.”
He picked at the edge of the sandwich that was a tad burnt. “Then I realized my anger was masking my sadness. That no one made me do anything. I’d do it all again for Daphne to have a fair chance.”
I handed him a napkin that had been sitting on top of a pile of mail. “Fair chance at what?”
“At life, I guess.” He shrugged. “Most of what I’ve heard about foster care isn’t great. I thought I could do better.”
“And you did. You shouldered a lot. At so young, too.”
“Like I said, I’d do it again.” He munched boyishly on his sandwich and finished it in minutes.
Noah absentmindedly washed the mixed dishes in his sink—the plate from the grilled cheese plus the pan and spatula, a ceramic mug that read#1 brother,and a bowl with a chip on its edge. He grabbed a nearby black-and-white rag and proceeded to dry them. The whole scenario felt so domestic—dinner and doing dishes—and it filled me with want. Not want for one thing in particular, but for…everything.
Emotional intimacy was real, I thought as a tingly sensation fluttered through my stomach. I felt now, more than ever, that I could trust Noah. That he trusted me.
There was only one more thing I needed to know.
“Noah?”
“Hmm?” He opened the cabinet above the sink and placed the mug inside it. I’d need a stool if I ever wanted to get up there.
“Why are you fake dating me, instead of dating someone for real?” Before he could answer, I rambled on, “You want to quit social media, so couldn’t you have done a few more brand deals and clocked out? Or just tell your audience that you want to take a break?”
It wasn’t that Noah didn’t have a valid reason for us fake dating, but after spending time with him, I gathered that he’d been wanting to quit social media for a long time. Sure, I agreed to help him figure out what to do after, but anyone could do that. He could’ve hired a professional life coach. Was I nothing more than an opportunity that fell into his lap that he decided to leverage?
Noah sighed before coming to stand in front of me. My back pressed against the island, and he towered over me. Uncontrollable thoughts raced through my “emotional intimacy turns me on” brain. Things likekiss himandclimb him like a tree.I silenced them.
“You’re probably expecting an elegant explanation about why I suggested the ruse in the first place. But the truth is, I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I thought honesty wouldn’t be enough, and I needed a plausible excuse.”
Classic case of quarter life crisis, then. Why go for a tattoo when you can quit your job and get a fake girlfriend?
“When we left the resort, I realized if we went our separate ways and things returned to the way they were, I would die inside. And I had no idea how to fix myself or my life, but I thought I’d have the best chance of it with you by my side.”
Breath left my lungs with awhoosh. “There’s nothing to fix about you, Noah. I don’t think any of us know what we’re doing, but what’s important is who we’re with.”
“I like being with you.” His hand came to touch my collarbone, his thumb running back and forth around the base of my neck.
I rested my hand over his. “I like being with you, too.”
Sex had always been a simple thing in my mind. When you liked someone, and they liked you too, sex was the logical next step. It was like the next stage of a relationship, nestled between feelings and trust.
My past sexual experiences were all within the clear lines of a relationship, although I admired people like Britney, who didn’t need those lines. It had always been too difficult for me to separate feelings and sex. They bled into each other on a level I couldn’t control.
Standing here in front of Noah, breathing the same air, made me realize how layered and nuanced the whole experience could be.
Those clear lines that I mentioned, the relationship ones I liked to be in before sex? Yeah, they were looking really blurry right now.
Noah’s gaze traveled down my throat, pausing at where our hands were connected, leaving shivers on my skin. He stepped closer, our feet grazing, and my other hand went to the back of his head. I was shaky but confident. I knew I wanted this.
I stretched to the tops of my toes, nose brushing against his, and kissed him.
The kiss started off slow. Hesitant. Two sets of warm lips, pressed together but not connecting. For a second, I feared I’d misjudged the entire situation. That while maybe Noah was attracted to me and respected me, perhaps he didn’t think anything further was a good idea.
Maybe it wasn’t.
“Is this okay?” I pulled back just enough to whisper into his mouth. “Because it’s okay if you don’t want me.”
