“Hi,mija.”
I wait, because I’m not going to overexert myself for anyone else but myself right now.
“Lina, could you do me a favor on your way home from your date? Could you grab something at the store for me?”
“No,” I tell her sharply.
There is silence. Then, “Okay. Bye.”
“Wait,” I can’t help but cut in. “When do you need it by?”
“If you can’t do it, it’s fine,mija. I’ll just get it delivered.”
“I’m trying to be more selfish today,” I say.
“Good for you.”
I should probably talk to someone about this. Someone who’s had the same experience of taking it all on. “So I’m coming downstairs and making you listen to me.”
“You’re not on your date?”
“It’s a long story.”
She blows out a breath. “Come on.”
“I’m going to take a nap first, then I’ll come down,” I say, because I’m trying to be more selfish today.
By the time I wake up, it’s almost nine at night. I peel myself off the couch and head downstairs.
Mai sees me and silently starts brewing atisana. “What happened to your date?” she says when it’s done, placing the steaming mug down in front of me at the kitchen table, making me feel like I’m fourteen again. I curl my feet up onto the wooden chair we’ve had for over thirty years.
“I freaked out and left.”
“Part of the being selfish thing you’re talking about?” She takes a seat across the table, taking one of my feet and pressing her thumb into the arch of my foot.
“It kind of came before.”
“Dime.”
I think about how to start. “He told me that I was doing too much for other people.”
“He was worried about you,” my mom clarifies for me.
I think about the way he ran his hands down my arms, holding me tight. “He was. He is.”
“I’ve been telling you this for your entire adult life,” my mom also very helpfully adds on.
“Well, I finally listened last night. Or this morning. And I freaked out and I left.”
She hums.
“I mean, really. I’m spreading myself so thin. I’m so overwhelmed. I’m the principal of PS 2 and I never hired an AP. I’ve been doing the work of two or three people—leaders—for the last year. I got myself out of the relationship with Mike because I was cleaning up after him and making sure he took a multivitamin every day. And then I jump from that into another relationship? And adopt his daughter? What am I doing for myself? I was supposed to watch television and grow tomatoes. What’s makingmehappy?”
Mai is silent for a while. “I think you need to reframe the question.”
“What do you mean?”
“I think the question you mean to ask is, ‘whois making you happy?’ And if you answered that, I think you’d find that you’re actually doing pretty okay.”
