I smirk. “It’ll be there tomorrow.”
He nods, once, with a sexy little smile. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. Then goes for real.
I am grateful yet again for rabbit pal.
TWELVE
Dominic
“I love you,”I tell my daughter, who is inconsolable over a nightmare about dead rats on fire. “You’re safe. I’m here.”
It takes her a while to fall back asleep, but when I hear the steady, even cadence of her breathing, I stand up. This time, I drag two mattresses onto the floor next to where Frankie sleeps, making one very long, skinny mattress. It’s marginally better than last night, yet somehow I get even less sleep.
After an hour of staring at the ceiling, I go to the bathroom.
Everything is a jumble in my head as I look at myself in the mirror. I can’t stop picturing it, replaying every sight and sound and feel. The determined look in her eyes, a promise to eat me alive before she straddled my thighs. Soft, silky skin under my hands, the weight of her tits, the hard nubs of her nipples. The taste of her mouth, her neck. The sounds of her breathy exhalations when I did something she liked. The heat of her center over my rock hard dick through the thin material of both of our shorts. The slide of her tongue on my jaw. There’s a mark there. I rub it.
You forgot about her ass, you idiot. Major regrets. There was just too much to focus on.
It might be for the best though, because I was a minute or two (maybe thirty seconds, if we’re being honest) away from coming in my shorts like a fucking teenager. Having her ass in my palms might have put me over the edge.
Three, four years is a long time. Coming in my shorts after a minute of dry humping? I’m probably horrible at this. I forgot what to do with my hands. All I know is that wanted to touch every inch of her and just hope that she liked it. I felt greedy in a way that I haven’t felt since Viv.
Frankie.
Frankie is a bucket of ice cold water over my head.
Fuck.
What am I doing? I don’t know how to balance this. I’m doing it all wrong, I’m sure of it.
I’m dying to go back to the guesthouse and finish what we started. Climb into bed with her and get my hands on her ass this time. Spend this sleepless night more effectively, have a fun reason to stay up. Especially when tomorrow is our last day here.
But what if Frankie wakes up again? And I’m not there? This is yet another bucket of ice cold water over my head, this feeling of crippling anxiety that I’m doing it all wrong, being a terrible parent.
It wouldn’t be fair to either of them, really. And I can’t askanythingof Lina, especially after what she’s told me about her shit ex, and she doesn’t owe it to either me or Frankie.
I inspect the bags under my eyes, knowing I’m not going to come to a decision tonight. Someone’s going to end up making it for me, and I hate this feeling, like I’m not taking charge of parenthood the way I need to be doing. No, damnit, you’re a competent adult, star of Competency Porn, motherfucker, and you’re going to make the decision yourself.
Tomorrow.
Is it a battle between two titles—World’s Worst Parent or World’s Most Inept, Selfish Lover? Or is it more nuanced than that? Is there a way to balance both?
I trudge back to the kids’ room to stare at the ceiling until morning.
* * *
The morning is a series of conscious decision-making.
I want to sneak back to Lina at dawn, before Frankie wakes up, because at least if she wakes up now, it’ll be light out, and Tita Gloria will be up and about.
I don’t do this though, because when I stand up to go, I make the mistake of looking at Frankie, and her hand twitches and it reminds me of a moment when she was just a few months old and sleeping on my chest and I just can’t leave her. I lie back down for more ceiling staring.
When she wakes up, she is thrilled to see I’m already up, and this glee is worth the decision.
“Hi, Daddy!” she yells with gusto, like someone who got an adequate amount of sleep. She jumps down into my bed.
I make the conscious decision to say, “I was thinking of Filipino breakfast this morning. Want to be on garlic rice duty?” instead of, “you must sleep here alone tonight, because Daddy is going to be very busy.”
