I know this is the case. I truly do. “That’s great, and I’m happy for her, but she’s going to have to deal with that without us.”
He nods slowly. “She’s dealing with her part,” he says tentatively, “but sounds like you need to deal with yours.”
* * *
Lina does a much better job faking it than I do, for Frankie’s sake, and I wonder if it’s because that’s who she is as a person. Naturally friendly, outgoing.
The way she makes people feel comfortable around her, not afraid to be themselves, more confident because of the lack of judgement and general positivity that she radiates.
It’s worked a little too well with Frankie, the two of them thick as thieves, boss-ass bitches who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is, feeding off one another to be the two coolest people I know. It’s extraordinarily painful tonight, watching them continue playing in this girl band. The way Frankie gravitates towards Lina, always holding her hand or sitting on her lap or touching her. The way Lina participates in it, enthusiastically and lovingly, every time, regardless of what’s happened.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lina check her watch, then whisper something to Frankie. They both look at me. I look at my watch. It’s Frankie’s bedtime.
Frankie looks like she argues with Lina for a second, but Lina shuts it down real fast. Moping, Frankie shuffles over to me. “Can Lina do my bedtime routine with me?” she grumbles.
This stings for many different reasons, but I know Frankie is getting older because she reads the look on my face and softens her tone. “You can come, too, I guess,” she amends.
“Wow, a ringing endorsement,” I tell her. I cut my eyes to Lina, who is looking at me with an eyebrow raised. Boldly daring me. I learn at this moment that she is not faking it. Maybe sheisover it. And if she is, then there’s no way I can pretend to play mommy and daddy with Frankie right now.
“You can go up with Lina. I’ll come up in a minute to kiss you goodnight, okay?”
Frankie happily skips away. Lina looks at me apologetically before taking her upstairs.
I may or may not chug an entire beer (or two) in the ten minutes I wait.
“Really?” Georgia asks, eyebrow raised, as I place the maybe second bottle down on a side table.
“Enough from you,” I hiss, with the attitude of someone who has chugged two beers in ten minutes. I storm upstairs.
There’s murmuring from Frankie’s bedroom.
“You have to be kind to her, yes, but more importantly, you have to be kind to yourself,” Lina is saying. “And that means believing in yourself, that you are intelligent and brave and strong. You have to make sure that you’re okay first, before anyone else. Protect yourself. And if that means standing up to her if she does or says that to you again, then I think that’s what’s most important.”
I lean on the doorframe, ignoring the feeling in my chest. Because of all the things I’ve seen today, this is the most painful.
Both girls are tucked under the covers and squished into Frankie’s bed. Lina’s sitting up with her back against the headboard, stroking Frankie’s hair with her tiny frame tucked into her side. “Hi, Daddy,” Frankie says when she sees me.
“Hey,” I tell them.
Lina peels herself away, and it looks like it’s a hardship for both of them. She leans over Frankie, drops a kiss in her hair.
“Love you, Lina,” Frankie tells her.
Lina darts her eyes to me, just for a second, before saying quietly into the room, “I love you. So much,” and I try not to let those words seep into my skin and into my bones and absorb it into my life force.
She walks past me out of the room, careful to avoid touching me, and I get a whiff of her summer and coconut smell, am hyperaware of the individual hairs on her arm, a wayward curl sticking out of the top of her head.
I kneel at the side of Frankie’s bed and bury my face in her armpit. “What were you talking to Lina about?” I attempt, for what feels like the hundredth time this week.
“Stop pushing, Daddy. I’ll tell you when I’m ready,” she says confidently, with a condescending pat to my head.
I sigh dramatically. “You know you can tell me anything,” I remind her.
“I know. But I want to tell Lina. She gets it. Not you.”
Now is definitely not the time to tell her that Lina is going to have to start naturally fading out of our lives. For many reasons. Because Frankie’s clearly not ready, and after seeing all of this, maybe I’m not, either.
“Okay. I love you. Sweet dreams. I’m going to go back downstairs to say bye to your aunties and uncles, but I’ll be right back, okay?”
