Mia and I both frown.
My stomach has finally reached my throat. I know this because I can no longer swallow the lump. We’ve reached the end. This is the exact moment that I make a decision.
She means too much to me, I’m fucking terrified, andhe can’t be anything like me. Even if I’d be happy, fucking ecstatic, to spend the rest of my life with h… Forget it. Don’t even go there. Because I’m terrified of who I am and how I probably love her and how the force and strength and power of that will never be the same for anyone else. And because of all that… I have the potential to really break her. Because I already have, once.
I come to a conclusion.
“Actually—” she starts.
“You have nothing to worry about, man,” I reassure him.
Mia looks at me.
“How’s the gym going?” Leo asks me next.
I cringe. “It’s… fine.”
“It’s amazing,” Mia chimes in, forever my cheerleader, nude photos, man-whore, real job, bad best friend, or not. I don’t deserve it anymore. “We got him this small business software that will take some time off his hands, make everything more efficient. We… made him a bunch of social media accounts,” she says, only a flicker of pain passing behind her eyes, one that stabs me through the neck. “He’s getting a ton of followers and new clients.”
Leo swallows a mouthful of sandwich. “That’s awesome, dude. Proud of you,” he says, and it’s because of Mia. But it won’t be anymore.
“So, let’s talk about—” Mia tries, once Leo is gone and we’re back on the couch.
“Let’s go out tonight,” I cut in.
“What?”
“We haven’t practiced your man-eating skills in a while,” I tell her. “It’s time for some new lessons.”
Mia glares at me with X-ray eyes. But they won’t work this time. “Elias… I don’t want to do that.”
I’m a little angry. “Why not?”
“Because I want to hang out with you. Just you.”
“I just don’t want you to get this all twisted again, Meems.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Elias?”
“You said it yourself. We’re forgetting what this was all about and why we started this in the first place. Also, mybest friendwas just here. Yourolder brother. Mia, he came over while I wasliterallyinside of you… Fuck, Mia. I’m lying to him. I’ve been lying to my best friend.”And he doesn’t think I’m good enough for you, either.
This does not make her happy. But I don’t know what she looks like. Pissed? Upset? Hurt? All? Does it matter at this point? “So you’re going to put Leo’s feelings ahead of mine. You’re going to put me second to him? Just like everyone else?”
“No,” I say, scrubbing my face, really losing the plot here. “I don’t?—”
“Fuck you,” she says, even while crawling over me, straddling me on the couch, so I’m forced to look into her eyes. She holds my face between her hands. “I was being… reactive before. But listen. I want to hang out with you, and only you. We can do it out at a bar, or we can do it here. But I want to be with you,” she says seriously.
I think I’m losing my mind. I’m so fucking stressed out. I pretend she means something else. I let myself be selfish. Just one more time. I close my eyes and let myself lean into her hand for just a split second. Hold her around her waist, squeezing. She tucks her face into my neck. I smell her hair. Cherishing, relishing. Selfish, for one more moment. One last time.
“Okay,” I finally say, peeling her off my body, feeling like I’m skinning myself alive. “Let’s put on a movie,” I tell her.
I pretend to fall asleep ten minutes in, instead acutely aware of her head in my lap, her hair in my fingers.
The last time.
TWENTY-SEVEN
Mia
