I prop myself up on an elbow. “You know… you don’t have to treat me with kid gloves because of my past. If I wasn’t ready ordidn’t want something, I’d tell you.”
Axel studies me. “I know.”
“But do you?” I search his face, needing him to really hear me. “I’m ready to take our relationship to the next level. I care about you. You make me feel safe, and Iknowyou’d stop if I asked.”
He exhales and sits back down beside me, facing me squarely. “Alright. Let’s have this talk. Easy questions first. Have you ever had sex?”
“Yes.”
“Are you on birth control?”
“Yes. I have an IUD.”
“Do you want to use condoms? I’m clean, but I don’t mind either way.”
“I’m clean, too. You don’t need one… unless you want to.”
He nods once. “Okay. Now the harder questions. Is there anything I shouldn’t do? Anything that might trigger you?”
I drop my eyes to my bedspread and trace the embroidered lavender flowers with a fingertip. The question is fair. It’simportant. But answering it pulls me straight into dangerous territory.
“I… I’m not sure.” I glance up, and he looks confused. I get it. If you’ve had sex, you should have some idea of your likes and dislikes.
I close my eyes, because I can’t look at him when I say this.
“I’ve never had sex… willingly.”
The silence stretches. I keep my eyes clamped tight. I’m basically holding my breath waiting for him to say something. Anything.
“How many times?” His voice is tight.
I look up at him, startled. “What?”
“How many times did he hurt you?” His jaw clenches, rage and agony twisting his features.
“He?”
“Joe, Lina. How many times did he rape you? You scream his name in your sleep.”
Of course I scream his damn name in my sleep. My nightmares are memories that my brain can never forget or escape. He’s carved himself a space into my psyche.
“I don’t know,” I answer carefully.
I don’t say it out loud, but Joe had access to me for three years. That’s 1095 nights. I would know.
Axel’s eyes fill with something that looks like devastation. “Princess…”
“Don’t,” I say quickly. “Whatever you’re about to say, don’t. I don’t want your pity.”
I sit up straighter, needing him tounderstand.
“I don’t want to be treated like I’m different. You make me feel… sexy. You stir something in me I didn’t even know was there. For years, I thought I was broken. Teenagers are supposed to have urges, but I never had them. Not until I got here. Not until you. I couldn’t understand why everyone raved about sex, but now, I’m starting to get it.”
I take a breath.
“I want you to throw me on the bed and make love to me. I want you to chase me up the stairs and take me right against the door because we can’t possibly wait, even one more second, to make it to the bed. I want you to flip my skirt up and take me from behind in a public bathroom. I want you and Nik at the same time. I still want, no Ineed, what every woman wants. What happened to me doesn’t change that.”
I meet his amber eyes.
