My new laptop goes in first, followed by the keepsake box Nik gave me. Inside, I tuck Johnny’s letter and Axel’s journal for safe keeping. Thinking about Nik breaks something in me. He’s not going to understand, and I don’t know how much they’ll be able, or allowed, to tell him once I’m gone.
When I finish packing, I slip through the bathroom door into Axel’s room. He’s awake, lying in bed in the dark, staring blankly at the wall.
Without a word, I crawl in behind him and wrap myself around his body, spooning him like he’s the one who needs protecting now. He doesn’t speak, but he lets me hold him. I cry into the back of his shirt until there’s nothing left inside me.
Quietly, I slip out of bed. I brush his hair gently off his forehead and press a kiss there.
“I love you,” I whisper. “I’m so sorry.”
He doesn’t respond, but I hope he heard me.
Back in my room, I sit at my desk and begin to write. One letter each for Axel and Johnny. I’ll also send a final message to Nik before they take my phone. It takes me longer than I expect. How do you condense the last few months of feelings into a few final words?
When I’m finished, I seal the envelopes and bring them downstairs to Ben, who’s still in his office. I hand them over, and he promises to deliver them.
Before I leave, I tell him my decision.
“Athens, Georgia,” I say. “UGA has a campus there. He won’t expect me to stay so close.”
Ben nods slowly. “You might be right. He’ll expect you to run far. It’s risky, but smart. I’ll have everything arranged.”
That night, I don’t sleep much. I toss and turn, knowing this is my last night here. I’m scared to leave. Scared to start over. But I’m smart enough to know that staying is more dangerous. Maryanne already paid the price. And if I leave, maybe the others will be safe.
Eventually, I drift off.
∞∞∞
When Ben shakes me awake, it’s still dark.
“They’ll be here in thirty minutes.”
I freshen up and get dressed, then take one final look around my room. I see Maryanne helping me pick out my bedding at the mall. Axel painting with me on the floor. Johnny staying with me after that first nightmare. Nik curled up next to me, watching movies with us on Christmas.
I shut off the light and close the door.
I consider going to Axel. Just for one last moment. One last goodbye. But I know myself too well. If I see him, I won’t be strong enough to leave.
So instead, I go downstairs and step outside. The air is cold and crisp. Ben stands near the car, speaking quietly with the U.S. Marshal who’ll be taking me to the safe house.
He turns at the sound of my footsteps.
“I already loaded your suitcase,” he says. “I’m sorry, but I need your phone. We can’t risk it being tracked.”
“Can I send one last text?”
Ben nods and returns to his chat with the driver.
I type quickly, fingers trembling as I compose the message that’s tearing me in half.
Me:By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. But I need you to know how much these last few months have meant to me. I hate that I can’t say this in person, but I love you, Nikolai. You are good and kind and everything a man should be. You’re perfect just the way you are. Please take care of Axel. Help him get through this. I’ll never forget you.
I hit send, then hand Ben the phone.
“I guess this is goodbye.”
Ben’s eyes are glassy. “No,” he says gently. “It’s just see-you-later.”
“I hope you’re right.”
