College. The idea feels laughable. Irrelevant. My futurefeels like it's being boxed up and shipped away without me.
Ben leans forward, resting his elbows on the desk.
“I need you to understand something. This isn’t the end. Not for us. I might not be able to see you for a while, but there are still ways we can stay in touch, discreetly, if that’s what you want. And Lina...” His voice wavers. “Knowing you, even just for the last four months, has been one of the greatest joys of my life.”
I choke on a sob. “How?”
He looks at me, confused. “What?”
“How can you say that?” My voice cracks. “I turned your entire life upside down. Maryanne is gone because of me.”
Tears spill over before I can stop them. “Look what happened to your family because of me!”
Ben stands slowly and walks around the desk. He kneels in front of me and takes my hands in his.
“Lina,” he says gently but firmly. “None of this is your fault. Maryanne and I knew the risks when we brought you here. Joe killed her. Not you. And I don’t ever want you to carry that burden. That’s not yours to bear.”
I shake my head, but he keeps going.
“You’ve been good for us. All of us. You’ve changed Johnny and Axel in ways I didn’t know were possible. You made me a better father. And Maryanne… God, Lina. Being a part of your life, even for a short time, made her so happy. She got to be the girl mom she always dreamed of being. That was a gift.”
I can’t speak. I don’t believe him, not really, but the pain in his voice… the love… is too real to dismiss.
“This isn’t goodbye,” he says. “Not forever. I promise you I will find him. I will make sure he can never hurt you again. And when that day comes, our door is still open.”
Ben pulls me into a hug, and I let him. I let him hold me,soaking in the type of fatherly love and attention that I always wanted. Now that I’ve had a taste of what having a family is like, it’s almost harder in a sense. A small part of me wishes I would’ve never known, because then leaving wouldn’t hurt so much.
He steps back, clearing his throat.
“Think it over. Let me know where you want to go. A U.S. Marshal will be here in the morning to take you to a safe house while your new identity is finalized. After that, it’s a clean slate. But we’re going to get through this. You hear me?”
I nod, but inside, I’m not sure what hurts more: the fear of what’s coming, or the pain of everything I’m leaving behind.
I kiss Ben on his whiskered cheek, wipe away the tears streaking my face, and reach for the door. My hand pauses on the brass knob.
“Do Johnny and Axel know?” I ask, not turning around.
“No.” Ben sighs deeply and rakes a hand through his thick blonde hair. “I’ll be honest. I don’t know how to tell them. They just lost their mom. Now, we’re losing you too.”
I bite my bottom lip, torn. “I don’t know if I should be the one to tell them. Johnny’s angry with me. And Axel... Axel’s already not dealing.”
“Johnny’s mad at the world,” Ben says softly. “It’s not just you. But yeah, I can tell them, if that’s what you want.”
“I know it makes me a coward,” I whisper, “but can you wait until tomorrow?”
He hesitates. “Are you sure? It might be worse for them if they don’t get the chance to say goodbye.”
“I’m sure. I just—I don’t want to spend my last night here grieving something we can’t change.”
Ben nods slowly. “If that’s what you want. But can I make a suggestion?”
“Of course.”
“Maybe write them letters. Sometimes it’s easier to say the things that matter on paper.”
“That’s a great idea. I’ll write them tonight.” I start to turn the knob again.
“Lina?” he says, stopping me once more. “I love you.”
