My whole body ceases all movement.
Rage, panic, terror, all fighting for air.
“What if the system does fit me?” I shoot back.
“What if it’s the only thing keeping me safe?”
“Then it works,” she says.
“But just because the system works now…
“doesn’t mean it’s meant to last forever.”
I hold everything in—even my breath, even the truth—staring at the phone still warm from where I’ve been holding too tight.
“He fuckin’ broke me,” I breathe out.
“And the damage isn’t in what we did.
“It’s walking away still wanting him.”
Dr. Mitchell doesn’t rush.
“No. You’re not broken,” she says.
“You’re starting to want things you didn’t think you were allowed to want. That’s what changed. Not you.”
I roll my head back and stare at the ceiling,
looking for a better answer there.
“It’s just one guy,” I mumble.
“With a stupid name.”
“Exactly,” she says. “One person made you question everything you use to survive. Doesn’t mean you throw the system away. It’s possible you’ve outgrown it…”
“So what now?” My voice fractures. “Because I can’t have both. The system and him. The contract keeps me safe. But he’s the first person making me want more. But I can’t survive losing the Baby Contract.”
If I lose the system, I lose my armor.
If I lose him...
I lose the first person who makes me feel like more than an open wound.
Not a weapon.
Or an empty shell.
Or a hole.
Just…Allison.
“Then don’t pick between them,” she says.
I sit up straighter.
Finally, something that doesn’t sound like a Pinterest quote.
