“It’s time we call Clarence,” he said, his voice flooding my ears.
Clarence Goody. My gaze drifted lazily around the room when the other Heathens came into view. A wave of worry in Beck’s neon blue eyes, his tattooed fingers curled around his mouth. A chilling and knowing gaze from Zephyr, which only spoke a language he understood. They were all here, staring down with scrutiny.
“Fuck off.” I turned my head, dragging my gaze back to the fireplace where the ghost of the fire swayed. But it had been days since it died.
I blinked, seeing nothing but ash and diminished colors, and I drank from an empty bottle. Because it had been days, and it angered me that they were seeing me like this. The only Heathen who held the four of us together was falling apart.
The only one they could count on was ending up like his father.
Ice-cold water engulfed me at that moment. Every muscle awakened, and I jumped to my feet. My hair, chest, pants soaked, and I snapped my eyes to Phoenix, who stood with a large pot hanging at his side.
“Wake up, Blackwell!” he shouted, throwing the pot into the fireplace. Ash exploded from the brick hole. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!”
Water dripped from my hair, down my back as I stood there frozen.
Phoenix’s eyes were hard, swirling pits of embers. “River Harrison was found this morning.”
“I didn’t know she’d gone missing,” I said through clenched teeth, body shaking from the shock.
“River Harrison was found this morning,” Zeph repeated, voice more adamant, “Strangled and neck broken over at Whister Park. Youkilledher.”
Beck stayed quiet in the back when Phoenix spoke up again. “You’re lucky Jonah found her body on the way to work, but it’s River Harrison.” His chest was heaving, eyes blazing. “What’s going on with you? Why can’t you get a handle on this, Julian?”
“Don’t call me that! Don’t humanize me!” I lashed out, no longer deserving a name. Monstrous things didn’t deserve names.
And I was frustrated with myself for the things I’d done but had no memory of, frustrated I wasn’t strong enough to fight my shadow-blood. Frustrated that I’d left her after I fucked her. My god, had I completely lost myself?
“Clean yourself up and get to work. At least act the part and pretend you didn’t kill a girl.” Zephyr shook his head and walked to the door, hanging back to wait for the others.
Beck’s face softened, and his eyes filled with something that looked like pity. “Don’t forget the pact. If you can hold on to anything, hold on to that. We’re so close, and we can’t do this without you.”
The door shut with their departure. The walls of the cabin rattled.
And I sank to the floors in a puddle of where I’d wasted away.
The only thing I could hold on to, the only thing my chest had room for, was her.
I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning the cabin, throwing the broken and empty bottles into trash bags, chugging water bottles, and eating leftover Italian shrimp n’ pasta and the blueberry lattice bars Agatha had left at my front door. I had no doubt Beck visited her after witnessing my condition.
After showering, I stood before my broken mirror in only my boxer briefs, keeping my eyes on my feet and determination running through me. The idea couldn’t be as irrational as I thought. I’d jumped from the sea cliff for Fallon, but could I face the man in the mirror?
I pinched my eyes closed and filled my lungs. I could do this. I was no longer afraid of heights, but I was afraid of myself and the unknown awaiting me.
I slapped my face to pull myself together, bent over, and clutched the sink’s edge.
When I lifted my eyes, a black hole sucked me in.
In an instant, it felt as if someone had punched through my gut, ripped my lungs from my body. Fallon lay limp in my arms, her long white hair tangled in my fingers—my hands! They were shaking and out of control!
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t fucking breathe! In a desperate frenzy, I pressed two fingers to her neck to find no pulse because they were shaking and wouldn’t stop, and I couldn’t grasp on to anything.My chest, it felt like it was on fire. My eyes burned, my gaze darting over her blue and cold face.
This isn’t real. This can’t be real, but it feels so fucking real!
“No!” My heart buckled. I lowered my ear to her mouth and heard nothing. “No!” I shook her, begging her to wake. I tapped her face, blew life between her cold lips. “Fallon!” I cried out, and her lifeless body wouldn’t wake! “FALLON!” I pulled her close to my chest and held the back of her head, rocking her and calling out to any god that would hear me! as a scream ripped through my chest, up my throat and pierced the night sky.
When the nightmare spat me out, I collapsed to the floor. My back hit the wall. Panic climbed into me, shared my skin. I gasped for a solid breath, but all oxygen was sucked from the room.
I’d had a panic attack before, when my entire body had filled with my heartbeat and I wanted to flee from my own skin. This was different.
