I made it home.
“We’re having a baby, love?” I whispered, and Mia’s hand flew over her mouth, tears slipping down her cheeks as she nodded.
A relieved breath escaped me as I sank down the door frame. Mia ran toward me, catching my fall as a scream sliced through her lovely lips and pierced the cold winter night. Together we slid to the floor, and she clutched my head against her chest as my numbed body laid out in a pool of warm blood. Desperate cries echoed through the black night as her trembling hands ran through my hair over and over.
Mia was right. There was something peaceful about death, especially in her arms. I could stay right here forever, listening to her heart beating. I’d memorized that sound. I could pick her heartbeat out in a lineup. But just as much as I’d known the sound, I felt it hard and steady inside my chest.
Because her heartbeat mirrored my mine.
Adrian tried to calm her and laid his hand over her shoulder, but Mia jerked and screamed out against him, shaking her head. The ends of her soft hair grazed my neck like the times she’d rolled her hips over me when we made love. I glanced up to see her cheeks soaked, eyes bloodshot, and snow flurries dancing wildly in her hair when my eyes became heavier.
“Ollie, please,” she cried, sobs sputtering through her trembling lips. “Open your eyes. Keep them on me.”
The pain was dissolving. I wasn’t scared anymore.
With the little strength I had left, my eyes blinked open, seeing the snow fall toward me under the same moon I’d talked to as a kid. My clenched fist opened at my side, and Mia’s gift laid in my palm. The only gift I could give her on our last Christmas—freedom.
The paper airplane fell from my fingers, and I looked up to see her screaming out, but her cries didn’t make it to my ears this time. Mia beat against my chest, but I didn’t feel it. Bright blue and red lights flashed all around, and I blinked once more to embed her golden-brown eyes into my soul.
And, finally, we were free …
I’m a dreamer, but I’m not afraid.
Not anymore.
For my entire life, I’d lived in a fantasy. I’d created my own world and got lost in it because I couldn’t believe in the reality around me. I was certain there was light and good out there. People who were kinder. Places that were warmer. Genuine smiles, honest laughs, and selfless love. It couldn’t all be a lie, because they were in stories. And inside every story, there was truth. Anything real was once imagined, and I found comfort in that, and until I could either find this world I’d believed in whole-heartedly or face my reality, I’d bring myself to the one I’d imaged because it was easier—safer.
I let Mia into my world, taking her away from the dark.
Together we danced, kissed, and made love behind the gates of our heaven.
And it was beautiful, poetic even.
I’m a man, but I’m not afraid anymore.
I’m not afraid to cry.
I’m not afraid to dream.
And I’m not afraid to pour my entire heart into her.
I wear my heart on my sleeve because I’m not afraid to get it broken. It was never mine anyway, it was everyone else’s. It was my mum’s when she made foolish mistakes, but she did the best she could under her circumstances. Perhaps she hasn’t always done the right thing, but she loved me the only way she understood how.
It was my brother’s because, despite the sickness inside his head, I couldn’t blame him. He was raised by a prostitute, with a brother who constantly escaped the harsh reality, and numerous punters with loads of advice on how to make it through in life. Perhaps he hasn’t always done the right thing, but he loved me the only way he knew how.
My heart was with Ethan because he loved Mia enough when I couldn’t. He protected her when I couldn’t. When the cruel world failed him, failed his sister, he did the only thing a person in his position would only think of. I see that now more than ever. And I admire his strength, his loyalty, and his devotion. Perhaps he hasn’t always done the right thing, but he loved Mia the only way he knew how, and I hope one day he’d be able to find love again …
My heart was with the father I never knew because he brought me into this world. Perhaps he decided not to be in my life, or maybe he never knew I existed, either way, it still lead me to her.
No, my heart was never mine. It was everyone else’s to mend, shape, slice, and stitch, all making me the man I am today. And for that, I love myself. Because whatever condition my heart is now in, Mia still treasures it all the same.
I’m still a dreamer, but I’m not afraid anymore.
Because I found her.
All I had to do was open my eyes.
I would never forgetthe day he’d almost slipped away.
