His eyes—broken, green, and beautiful as ever—stared back at me as the rest of his face proved this was affecting him just as much as it had affected me. He held my wet face and continued, “I’ll never look at you differently, Mia. I love all of you.Fuck. If you didn’t kill that bastard, I would be swimming across the Atlantic right now to do it myself. You’re not a monster. Do you hear me?”
I shook my head. I understood what he was saying, but I couldn’t accept it. How could he not see me differently? “I am a monster, Ollie.”
“No, love, far from it. You were a little girl who was put in an impossible situation, and having to deal with it all on your own for too long.” He paused and wiped his face across his sleeve. “You got through it the only way you knew how, and now you have me. You never have to go through it alone. Ever. I’m right here, Mia. I’ll never leave you. I’ll always hear you. I promise you. It’s going to be you and I, do you understand me?”
“I’m no longer the girl you fell in love with, Ollie. I’m broken now. I’m not strong anymore. I don’t have my walls up, or my flip switched.”
“How is the light supposed to shine through your walls, Mia?” He exhaled as another tear fell from his eye, and he looked up to the ceiling for composure or to find words. “You think that’s why I fell in love with you, yeah? Because you were tough? I saw straight through your bullshit from the beginning. You could never hide from me. Yeah, you tried to push me away, but I saw the truth in you. Around me, you are different because it’s us. And I fell in love with us.”
Chapter Twenty
“And if they knock you to your knees,
pull the rug out from under them.”
—Oliver Masters
IT WAS LATE October, with the holidays right around the corner. At Dolor, there was no going home for Christmas because they treated this as more of a prison sentence than a university. We hadn’t celebrated the holidays at home, anyhow, until Diane came along.
My father had started dating her around Thanksgiving. He’d cooked an entire meal for the first time in years, only to hide how dysfunctional we were. It had all been a façade. Same when Christmas came around. I’d laughed at him as I’d stood on the stairs while he dragged the tree into the house under his arm. What I’d never realized, until now, was how he’d only wanted to share those holidays with someone who was excited for them. When it had been only us two, I’d never bothered to care.
“Your dad coming in for Christmas?” Jake asked as we waited in line for lunch. I reached over my tray for a banana and my shirt slid across a heap of ketchup.
“Shit,” I moaned, looking down at Ollie’s shirt I was wearing. Not only would the ketchup stain, but now I had to wear my own clothes. “That’s a major negative. My dad doesn’t do well on planes, anyway. I couldn’t imagine him on a flight longer than two hours.”
Blowing out a breath, I dipped my napkin in my water to try to blot the ketchup off, only to find it spreading into a larger stain. I growled as Jake rambled on about Parents Day.
“My mum and dad are coming, possibly my brother and sisters, too. You’re more than welcome to join us for lunch off campus. I know Alicia’s coming since hers won’t be able to make it.”
Giving up on the shirt, I moved up the lunch line. The possibility to leave this place for an entire day sounded out of reach, like a dream meant to stay in a subconscious. But, I genuinely didn’t believe my father would make it, or if he even knew about it. Once a week, I had an opportunity to call him, but never did.
There was an awkwardness between Jake and me since I’d revealed my past in group therapy. People tip-toed around me like I was going to snap at any moment, scared I would lash out from a single noise directed at me. Jake made an effort to keep our conversation light. I knew he had so much his nosy-self wanted to ask, but was afraid of how to go about it.
“Apple?” he asked
I slammed my tray down. “Stop, this Jake.”
“Stop what?”
“Ever since I told the truth about my past, you’ve been different around me. I can’t take it.”
“Don’t take your ketchup mishap out on me, woman. I’m not acting different. It’s all in your head.” He patted the top of my head with raised brows. “We can talk about Parents Day another time, but seriously … do you want an apple or no?” His smirk grew, and I took the apple from him and dropped it on my tray. “I think we’re due for a get-together tonight. You need to take some edge off. What do you say?”
“No, Ollie won’t have it, and you know it.”
“Mia, Mia, Mia.” Jake shook his head. “I’m talking about in my room.”
I coughed out a laugh.
“What? I’m serious.” Jake placed his juice on the tray.
“I’m down,” Liam interjected, coming up behind me and bumping my shoulder with his. “It’s been a while since we got together, Mia. What do you say we have some fun tonight, yeah?”
My gaze dashed back and forth from Liam to Jake, and Jake flattened his lips together in a thin hard line.
“So, you guys hang out all of a sudden? Since when did this start happening?”
“Since you and Ollie went off in your own ‘Ollie and Mia world.’ You guys coupled up, and now you’re gayer than me.”
