“Youarebetter,” Hunter says, reading my thoughts. “And you’ve been practicing this thing all week.”
I scoff. “I’ve been noodling around on flat water. That’s not—”
“You know exactly what to do in Drop 1,” Donovan says, squeezing my hand again. “You told me how you’d run it, and you were right.”
I can feel her more now, and I look down at our clasped hands as I slowly entwine my fingers with hers, focusing on the warmth of her hand because it might be the only thing that keeps me from focusing on my inevitable failure. “In theory, maybe. But I can’t—”
“I’ll tell you what to do.” She leans close, pressing her shoulder into mine so I’m sandwiched between the two people who know me best. “Every second. Two miles from here, you’re going to hate the sound of my voice.”
“Impossible,” I mutter and press my forehead to hers. “And my lack of faith has nothing to do with you or your skills.”
“You can shoot an arrow from the back of a horse at full speed, Derek Riley. You’ve jumped a motorcycle over a fifty-foot ravine. Do you really think you’re so unteachable that your incompetence overshadows my talent?”
Well now she’s playing dirty. I tilt my head back to frown at her. “That’s not—”
“Just think of the rapids as today’s scene, and I’m your director.”
I groan as my mind starts conjuring up images of adult Nova Tate on a set. The fantasy of her being happily ensconced in my world is not at all unpleasant, but her analogy isn’t helping the issue at hand. “If this were a movie,” I argue, “I could do the scene over again if I messed it up.”
“Please.” She reaches up, running her fingers through my hair at my temple. I can definitely feelthat, and the nerves along my spine light up at her touch. “As if you don’t usually nail it in one take. Your directors probably only do multiple takes because of your costars.”
“That is absolutely not true.” Still, my face heats at her praise. I do spend a lot of time studying the script and talking to my directors long before I even step in front of a camera, so I’m usually pretty confident about how I should act in any given scene. But that’s not relevant. This is real life. “Donovan, I appreciate your attempts at building my ego, but—”
“Your ego is plenty big, Superman. That’s not what I need today.” She frowns as she studies me, and I wonder what she sees.
Just a man whose shaky foundation has cracked beyond repair. It was only a matter of time before I fell apart, and Donovan unknowingly gave me a safe place to land. As much as I hate failing her, I know in my soul that she isn’t judging me. She’s probably disappointed—I am too—but she’s too good of a person to let my faults be the only thing she sees.
Maverick didn’t have as much advice for me as I hoped, but he did say one thing that resurfaces through the panic:Love isn’t being with someone in spite of their flaws. It’s seeing each trait not as good or bad but simply as a part of what makes them who they are.
When Donovan’s tongue darts across her lips, my attention shifts down to her mouth at the same time she smiles. “I don’t need you to be perfect today, or even great,” she says. “I will happily take good enough. Decent.Passable. I just need you to show up and be my arms now that mine have failed me.”
She holds her wrapped wrist up, and I gently take her hand to press a kiss against her knuckles.
Donovan closes her eyes. “Ineedyou, Derek.”
Everyone needs me. My friends, the studios, my costars, my agent, myfans. Even my mom apparently needs me, though I can’t fathom why. It never ends. I’ve always prided myself on being reliable and helpful and as unproblematic as possible, but sometimes…
I don’t know how much more I have left to give. If not for people like Hunter and Janie holding my world together, I would have broken long before now.
But how can I say no? To any of them, but most of all to Donovan? She is in my soul, burrowed so deep that the vulnerability in her expression makes it hard to breathe.She needs me.And I’m starting to think I need her too. She’s the only person in the world who has actually made me feel like I don’t have to be perfect, and that’s someone I need to hold on to.
I don’t know what will happen when we get off the river tomorrow, but I can’t let her go.
Taking a breath, I squeeze her hand again. “Okay.”
Her eyes pop open, their green color turning golden in the morning sunlight coming over the canyon wall. “What?”
I swallow and wish I was better at setting boundaries. Saying no. There’s a good chance I’m going to panic on that boat and mess everything up, but do I have a choice? I have to try. For her. “I’ll do it. As long as…” My chest grows tight with anxiety, and I press my forehead to hers again, trying to breathe through it. I’ve been through worse. I can make it through this. “Promise you won’t leave. No matter what happens, you’ll be—”
“Right behind you,” she whispers.
Then, so softly that I almost wonder if I imagine it, she presses her lips to mine. I barely have time to process the feel of her kiss before she’s on her feet and holding her good hand out to help me up. Even with that tiniest of tastes, I feel like I’ve been gifted something monumental. My fears dim, replaced by sheer willpower.
I’ve only felt the need to really prove myself once, back when I walked into Emilio’s office and told him that I was going to make it big in Hollywood. My agent was smart enough to know that the fifteen-year-oldin front of him would not be giving up, and my whole life changed that day.
Something tells me today is going to be similar. Whether my life changes for good or bad, I’ll find out a few miles down the river, assuming we make it through alive. The only thing I know for sure is I’m going to have to give this everything I’ve got.
I’m going to be the man Donovan thinks I am, even if it kills me.
