“I didn’t hook up with either of them, nor did I have any intention to.” Greg ensures his voice doesn’t waver, so Julien knows for certain he’s telling the truth.
“Oh.” That’s all Julien says.Oh.
The word—is it even a word exactly?—cuts Greg to the bone. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but he wanted more than that, and now they’re standing in awkward silence.
“You don’t believe me.” Greg folds his arms across his chest, a preservation instinct. He doesn’t want to be cross with Julien, but Julien is digging a deeper and deeper hole here.
“No, it’s not that...”
“Then what is it?” Greg tries to remain open, keep his listening ears tuned.
Julien crosses the room and sits on the rolling chair Greg had found on the side of the road with a piece of printer paper taped to it that read FREE. He’d cleaned it well enough for it to be usable, but it still sags whenever anyone sits on it. Julien lets out a little gasp as he sinks, and then he settles. “I did the thing where I’m an ass for assuming.”
Greg chuckles at Julien’s moment of self-awareness. In an instant of clarity, he can see how from the outside his interactions were perceived differently. “Content creation is all about charisma, harmless flirting, letting people in. I’m still negotiating that behind the bar here. I’m not getting with any of these people or looking to cause drama.”
“There’s a learning curve in the service industry,” Julien offers.
“Exactly.” Greg drops his arms and softens his voice. “I know it’s highly unprofessional to be hitting on our patrons. That pilot was not my type anyway. Braydon’s... I know not to mix business and pleasure. He’s a coworker.”
“There’s nothing concretely wrong about getting with a coworker,” Julien is quick to say. Almost too quick. Greg notices the pink coloring that creeps up onto his cheeks. “I mean, rules-wise. It’s not a boss-subordinate situation. Whatever. You said it didn’t happen, and I believe you, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Good to know,” Greg says, storing that tidbit away in his mind for safekeeping.
Julien swivels in the chair a bit as he adds, “And I partially said the Grindr thing because I’ve never seen you on the grid before.”
Greg puzzles over which way to respond to this. He could circumvent the issue at heart—say something vague about not loving one-nighters or whatever—but that wouldn’t be the truth. Not the whole of it anyway. And Julien trusted him with the truth about his parents’ battles with alcoholism. He could stand to offer a smidge of vulnerability in return. It’s not like he’s sharing the ins-and-outs of his debt.
“Do you remember when I told you I have to be careful with how much I drink because of a medication I’m on?” Greg asks. He knows this is going to sound random, but he swears he has a segue.
“Yeah.”
“It’s an SSRI.”
“Oh.”
Greg smiles. “You really like that word.Oh.” He shoves away thoughts of Julien cryingohunder very different circumstances.
“It’s what I say when I’m still processing something so the other person doesn’t think I stopped listening.”
Greg swears he can see the cogs whirring behind Julien’s stark gaze.
“I take it for my anxiety disorder. It helps a lot, but it also comes with its costs. I have to curb my drinking, which is why you don’t see me trying the cocktail at the end of every one of my TikToks.”
Recognition dawns across Julien’s expression, a gradual relaxation of the musculature in his forehead.
“I’m also not always able to perform at my peak. In the bedroom. I mean, yeah. Does that make sense?”
“I get it.” It seems Julien registers his desire to not have to spell it out further.
“So I don’t make a habit of hooking up outside of relationships because I might be in the mood, but I might not always be able to get it up or keep it up or... Shit, see? This is so hard to explain. Imagine trying to do it to a complete stranger you’ve only shared dick pics with?” Greg rakes a hand through his hair, but it doesn’t make him feel better.
While in New York, racking up views and credit card debt in equal measure, Greg switched medications because his old one at its low dosage had plateaued. He felt his mental health slipping, and he grew scared over the sudden lack of control. After hearing about his worsening symptoms, his psychiatrist recommended a different medication at a higher dosage. He’d been seeing her for some time and knew he could trust her professional opinion. She counseled him kindly about the potential side effects.It’s my belief that the pros will outweigh the cons.And they did. For a while.
“You can take your time. If you want to tell me, that is.” Julien has his hands folded in his lap, sincerely attentive.
Greg appreciates that. He wishes Stryker had given him more of a chance to explain. “I was in a committed relationship when I started this SSRI.”
“Stryker?” Julien asks.
