Buckley nods. “I’m glad you’re doing so well, Holden.”
“Yeah, thanks. Me, too.” I pause for a moment. “And I just wanted to say, thank you for helping to keep me afloat all those years and I’m sorry that sometimes it seemed like I was trying to hold your head underwater while doing it. I hope you know it wasn’t intentional.”
“Of course.” He sighs. “We needed each other. We just weren’t meant to be. We had some good times—TV game show rivalry notwithstanding.”
“Yeah, I can imagine I won’t be adding that episode to my list of regular rewatches.” Which reminds me: “Here.” I pull a wooden figurine from my bag. It’s Buckley. The way I saw him back in college. Lanky. Glasses. In his hand, he holds anHto represent me.
“Did you make this?” he asks. My skills have improved over the intervening months. Dad’s guidance (and willingness to step in when I can’t get a part right) has done wonders. Maybe this was a talent of mine after all; I just never thought it a worthy channel.
“I did.”
“You whittle now?”
“Yeah, I guess I do?” I shrug. “It’s been a really good outlet.”
Buckley appears touched. “Thank you. This is...wow. I love it.”
“Just something to remember me by.” What he doesn’t know, and what I won’t say, is that there is a hole carved on the bottom. The figurine is hollow. When and if he figures it out, inside, he will find a check written to make up for that fourth of the rent I unknowingly never paid. Maybe it’s a little over-the-top, but I don’t want to owe anyone anything, and at least if he wins the game I’ve set out for him by discovering it, in a weird way he’ll have earned it.
Buckley checks his watch, clearly marking how much time he has left before he needs to head to the office. “This might be overstepping, but are you still seeing Leo?”
Immediately, I shake my head. “No, it wouldn’t have been fair to him or right. I had a lot to work out.”
“Seems like you’re doing that pretty well.” He shakes the figurine.
“True, but I left Los Angeles without saying goodbye.”
“Oof.” You know it’s bad when your ex that flew all the way across the country to best you on live TV thinks what you did was brutal.
“I left a note! Well, two, technically.”
“Still.” He makes a face that has yikes written all over it.
I hang my head in my hands. “I wasn’t feeling my bravest.”
There’s a stretch of silence where the whirr of the nearby espresso machine fills my head.
Then, Buckley says, “I know you two may have been faking it for the cameras, but the way he looked at you was real. Believe me, it ignited some latent jealousy. Why do you think I sent your cart down that aisle? Feelings like that don’t just disappear in a matter of months.”
“Can’t they?” I ask, fishing for any excuse not to have to put myself out there emotionally and possibly get rejected by the guy I’ve been thinking about nonstop since that day in the cemetery with Dad.
“No. Trust me, they can’t.” Buckley stands and grabs his bag. “But I think you’re going to have to find that out for yourself.”
I stand and we give each other an awkward yet reaffirming hug. We’re going to be okay. I don’t think we’ll be in each other’s lives. I’m not sure there’s room anymore after everything. Yet I know in my heart, I’ll always be silently rooting for him, wishing him the best.
As the bell jingles over his head once more, I sit back down and finish my latte. I look at the email from my bank again and, on a whim, I open my text thread with Leo.
I type:The prize money hit my account today. It made me think of you and how much I loved spending time with you in LA and how much I miss you. (A lot.) I’m sorry I ran off in the middle of the night. I had a lot to work out for myself. Thanks for giving me the space I needed to do that. If at any point you’d like to video chat, so I can see your face again and apologize in a better way, let me know.
Send.
I type a second message:PS. Tell your mom I said hi and that I’ve caught up on her favorite K-Drama and I can’t wait to see what happens next!
For the first time in months, I’ve placed the ball in his court. If he doesn’t want to connect with me again (one of myCs), I’ll respect that. I’ll always have the magical memories which I can turn into carvings which I can cherish forever or choose to forget, but either way, I’m grateful to have made them in the first place.
Twenty-Eight
The song I snuck into the Cardio Dance Fit playlist queues up—a Taylor Swift throwback jam we’d never get licensing clearance for.
