Oh. I forgot. It’s the passive-aggressive tagline for this whole sham brand.
He passes it back with one more smile. “Take care, Nolan Baker.”
Chapter Twelve
Drew, an absolute sight for sore eyes, is perched on the clean white duvet on the far bed when I arrive back to the hotel room. After the high of the crowd and the crush of my family’s disappointment, I’m emotionally drained, and Drew, I know, will revive me, maybe even share in my previous excitement.
He’s facing away, staring out the window. Moon and city lights shimmer across the ripping surface of the East River beyond the pane.
The lamps in the room are dimmed to an ambient glow, and the flat-screen TV is on at a dull roar, some TBS syndicated movie from the early 2000s I’m sure Drew has seen a million times is playing. A song I remember being on a playlist I made as a kid underscores a slow dance scene.
I drop my goody bag on the desk. “I’m so happy to see you.” Drew doesn’t turn to look at me. Or, move at all, really. His shoulders are hunched, closed-off. He’s probably tired.
I slip off my shoes, and then tiptoe across the carpet so I’m in front of him. “My family is majorly pissed, but, Drew, I rocked my set tonight.” When he finally looks up to meet my eyes, I notice that his are bloodshot. “Have you been crying?” Then I notice his suitcase is repacked, zipped, and standing on its wheels beside him. “Are you leaving?”
“You put me in an impossible position,” he says, voice barely above a croak.
Dread returns with a vengeance. “I know. I know. I’m really, I mean,reallysorry about that.” He’s stopped blinking, and he’s staring straight through me now like he’s got X-ray vision. “I really thought I’d be back in time.”
“You had me lie to your family,” he says with a level of frustration he usually reserves for solving the Sunday crossword.
“Yeah, I shouldn’t have asked you to do that,” I admit, shame starting to mingle with the dread.
“But I did it because…” He takes a deep breath and then makes a tearful confession. “Because, Nolan, I love you.”
His words don’t compute at first, as if I’m hearing them in another language being spoken in another room. “I–I love you, too? I don’t see what you—”
“Not like that.” He runs a hand down his face, muscles loosening, only to snap back into a rigid, tense state of unease. “Not as a friend. I’minlove with you. I’ve beeninlove with you. For a long time.”
My heart starts pounding, and my ears start ringing. He beat me to the punch. He’s just confirmed that he returns my feelings. I should be overjoyed, but I’m so bogged down with emotional overload, winded with whiplash.
“I thought today was special. That maybe if I was the perfect wedding date, you could see me, too, in a different light,” Drew says. “Or at least start to.”
“I didn’t need to start to,” I say, untangling my tongue. “Because I do. I already do. Love you, I mean. I was going to tell you earlier. I love you, Drew.” My words run together, frantic to make this right.
He lifts his chin, lip wobbly. “You do?” I nod in confirmation, slow and heavy. “How can one piece of news be both elating and heartbreaking?”
The day is a blur of events, but I haven’t forgotten about our kiss.
Now, remembering the heat of him pressed against me, I’m unable to respond in any articulate way. “I don’t know what to say to that.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” Drew stands, pulling on the handle of his suitcase so it glides along behind him. “Because I decided that I need time away from you.”
His words sucker punch me. “Ouch.” It’s all I can say, really, to verbalize the pain that’s vaulting through my heart. I feel like a crash-test dummy being repeatedly driven into a wall. The positive adrenaline constantly giving way to a devastating airbag blow.
“I’m sorry, Nolan. That didn’t come out exactly right. There’s a lot going on in my head right now.”
“Didn’t you hear me, though?” I ask hoarsely. My wellspring of tears replenishes. “I love you too. I love you back. I’ve been sitting on these feelings for probably as long as you have, waiting for the moment when I could stop aggressively clutching my career aspirations and give myself over to them…you.” Because from afar I couldn’t fuck it up, right?
He shakes his head. “You basically stood me up at your own sister’s wedding.”
“When you say it like that, it sounds bad, but I promise it was for a good reason.”
“Really?” he asks before audibly swallowing. “You’re worried about whether I’m hearing you, but I don’t think you’re hearing yourself.”
“What I’m hearing is that you’re starting to sound like my family.” My defenses are fired up. “You think I should give up on my dreams too? Become a servant to Doop and the corporate machine?”
“Never,” Drew says, and I know he means it, which only makes this situation worse. “I hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted,but I–I need some time to figure out whatIwant, independent of you. Especially since your words and your actions don’t exactly line up.”
