We’re both too spent to speak.
We find old napkins in a nearby box, clean ourselves up, and see ourselves out, lighter and somehow more weighted too.
As the truck rolls out onto the road, the carnality of coming together presses into my breastbone, makes me question my motives.
I need you.Had I really said that? And more importantly, did I mean it?
It’s not until we’re at the college, unstacking folding chairs and unfolding linen tablecloths, that I begin to see the progress we’ve made. The space is starting to take shape—look special,feelspecial.
Something else in this room feels special too.
I glance over and soak in Hector’s profile as he sets up the plastic snowman, tracing the sloping bridge of his nose with my eyes. When I reach his lips—his perfect, still-swollen lips—I find my answer in his glimmering, sparkling smile.
I do need him.
And I don’t know how to feel about that.
Chapter 22
I’m a bundle of anxiety by the time the crew from Bishop’s Family Farm arrives with the tree.
Noelle’s text was a welcome respite from the uncomfortable silence surging through the Great Hall post-sex, post-revelation, post, well…everything.
The mutual masturbation was electric, all-encompassing, soul-baringly awesome, but it also struck a strange nerve in me. I’m on the fritz, finding it hard to focus with him nearby. I have no space to sort through my twisted yarn ball of a brain.
Tunnel vision holding strong, I texted Noelle back, telling her to come ASAP.
Now, the twelve-person team erects the spectacular tree in the center of the space. It was a series of serious trial-and-error moves to get the marvelous beast through the door, but now it stands tall and proud, ready to be decorated.
I step aside as ladders get carted in, and everyone works overtime to wrap the branches in the twinkling lights Hector and I unraveled in the storage unit. Before we unraveled each other, that is.
Gah. Stop thinking about that, Matthew.
Popping the top on a box, I sort through Jack’s old ball ornaments, separating them by shininess. Only the brightest and the best deserve a spot on my centerpiece.
This mindless task is enough to distract me for the moment. The kiss led to the realization that Hector and I have a connection. But this afternoon solidified something scarier. That this connection could lead to something more. Something probably incompatible with my life back in New York. I’m not in the market for untenable.
I don’t get a moment to parse this out because Hector appears beside me, bundled up and worried. “Is everything all right?” he asks.
“Fine,” I lie. I need him to leave me alone before I do one of two inappropriate things: jump his bones again or freeze into an icy snowbank of emotions. Neither would be good when we have an important gala looming.
Admittedly, a little while ago I escaped to the bathroom. I reached for my phone on autopilot, in search of Bentley’s contact, but I realized she wouldn’t understand. She’d scold me for even entertaining these whims. That’s not what I need with feelings this fresh and conflicted.
“You know you can tell me if it’s not,” Hector says, caring eyes becoming almosttoocaring. And while I know he’s right, I don’t want to betoo much. Overshare here. In public. With a twelve-person crew, including Noelle, nearby.
Noelle’s presence inspires me. “I’m good. Seriously. Just need to get this done quickly before Noelle and I break for lunch.”
The barista herself sweeps over. “Did I hear my name?” She looks like she’s on a mission: Operation Save Matthew from Himself. She’s overheard everything as she fluffed the branches.
“Ready to head out for our lunch?” I ask, signaling with my eyes for her to play along even though we didn’t have any prior plans.
“Uh, of course. Let me just grab our coats,” she says.
“It’s to, um, thank her for the tree and everything,” I say awkwardly when I’m left alone with Hector.
He appears disheartened to not be invited, but what am I supposed to say: I need to talk about you to someone who’s notyou? I don’t think that would go over very well.
“Just text me when you’re on your way back, I guess,” he says.
