I don’t let thethudof the door closing behind me make me feel any worse. I’m on a mission to take back my dignity.
***
B-level of the library is where I go to be alone. The ambient hushed chatter and tapping of nails across keyboards meld together to make an in-person ASMR video performed in surround sound only for me.
I feel safe and serene here. It’s nothing like the dead silence of C-level where Avery gives even the quietest of coughers a dirty look. Nor is it boisterous like A-level where Mateo and his fellow theater majors do readings of Tennessee Williams plays at full volume with questionable southern drawls.
My cozy little B-level corner is sequestered away from the world and, more importantly, my apartment mates. The email blast from the past is something I need to settle alone. At least right now. They wouldn’t understand the haplessness lodged in my chest cavity. That’s why I’m here, logged in to one of the school computers, taking in Derick’s response.
I hold my breath and click into the email.
FROM:[email protected]
SUBJECT:Re: Tonight at the Drive-In
Hey stranger,
Long time, no talk.
Wow…I did NOT expect to wake up to this.
I’m thinking maybe you sent this to me by accident. Totally cool if you did. No worries.
I exhale. Okay, so my eyes didn’t deceive me before. It’s not a string of sparkly heart emojis and a marriage proposal, but that’s not the end of the world, right? He’s flattered. Confused. Embarrassed, maybe. But he’s cool with me baring my soul in such an unfiltered manner. He’s not sending screenshots to all his friends and laughing behind my back.
I hope.
I remember that night. Mostly. You and all our friends. When the show started, we could see so many stars from the truck bed. The pillows, the blankets, the string lights. It was all beautiful.
Beautiful.The sense memory sends a chill up my spine. It was the summer before we left for college. Limitless in so many ways.
I borrowed Dad’s pickup truck, Earl let me off for a night, and a bunch of us piled in to see the latest release.
While the movie wasn’t anything to alert the critics about, I didn’t care. I spent the night half-snuggled up against Derick, sharing a blanket (stolen from my sister’s room) and a complimentary bucket of popcorn from the snack shack.
Since all nine of our friends couldn’t ride into the lot in my dad’s truck, some of them had to drive themselves and park their cars in the overflow off to the side, facing away from the screen. When they joined us, we laughed and snacked and snapped selfies, and the future felt far away. Something to worry about tomorrow.
But as the night wore on, part of the group began to head out for curfews.
It was the last time we all got to chill before college happened. Was it just me, or did it feel kind of bittersweet?
For me, the sweet outweighed the bitter.
Eventually, it was just Derick and me. Kind of. Avery had dozed off nearby in a pile of pillows. With our popcorn depleted, during the second movie (which was somehow snoozier than the first) I thought I felt Derick’s hand brush mine under the blanket.
Our eyes met like a big, romantic movie B-plot. We were parked far enough toward the back of the half-empty lot, so I knew nobody would see. And if I’d had the balls, I might’ve taken the risk and leaned over. Heart hammering in my ears, I could have sworn Derick was. But right as it seemed like our sheer hormonal will would pull us in, Avery woke up with a ferocious start, forcing us both to shoot back into platonic place.
“What did I miss?” she asked, reaching for the Twizzlers in our laps.
The moment was decimated. When I got home that night, I cried while I wrote his email.
Anyway, please don’t hate me, but I don’t really remember that particular part. Not that way, at least. I had a lot going on. It was late. And, well, I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings, but I didn’t think of you like that.
Wow. His hope is ill-timed. My feelings are dashed. And, damn, now I’m crying in the middle of the library. Not that this would be the first time that’s happened, but it sure is the most devastating.
I didn’t think of anyone like that, really. I didn’t let myself. It was complicated. My sexuality situation was kind of…a mess back then. Don’t take it personally.
