All the pressure in my chest has completely vanished. I chuckle even at the thought of Stella saying that to Jensen when they were younger. Something tells me she still thinks the same way now.
Jensen runs a finger over my chest. “So, yeah, I like this one the best. I want to know the reasoning behind all the ones you have me work on too.”
“I’ll tell you every single one.” Leaning up, I run my fingers through her hair, pulling it back to place a kiss on her inked collarbone. She’s right, the reasons behind the tattoos mean something no matter if it’s the marigolds or the cherries. I want to know every single thought behind ink on her skin and hell, I want her to know about mine.
She lets a soft moan of my name escape her lips as I start to softly kiss her neck. “Can—can I ask you one more question?” she asks in a soft whisper.
“Anything,” I answer, never letting my mouth leave her skin.
She doesn’t say a word for a moment, but with an exhale, she asks, “Why no relationship?”
The question takes me by surprise and I freeze in the crook of her neck.
Jensen picks up on my hesitation quickly. “Beck, I’m not asking so I can rationalize with you. I’m never here to judge you. I just want to understand.” She takes a deep breath. “Ineedto understand.”
Fuck, that ache is back in my chest. I swear it’s never going to leave me alone, and to make matters worse—it doesn’t feel like a panic attack simmering…I think it’s heartbreak.
Leaning back against the couch, I want to find a way out of this conversation, but this was a part of our deal. We communicate.
“I don’t want a relationship because I don’t want to forget my family. Nor do I want the person I love the most to have to live with the memories of who I was. Yes, I love my team, I love my friends…but if I do start to forget then Dex will have Lucie. Callie will have Will. Adam will surely find somebody. Tripp and Emma will hopefully figure their shit out, and you…”
My words die off because I don’t want to say that she could have someone else. I hate that fucking thought even though it’s the reality of the situation. The fantasy is that she would have me.
When I open my mouth again, Jensen stops me. “Please don’t say it. I don’t want to hear you say what you see for my future.”
My whole chest is now on fire. “Good, because I don’t want to say it either.”
Jensen’s eyes turn cold and distant. “Is that what your and your dad’s argument was about?”
I give her a slow nod and mumble a curse at the look on her face. “Jensen, I’m sorry.”
Her eyes blink rapidly and a soft smile comes to her lips. “You don’t have to apologize.”
Her hands find my face in a soft caress. “Like I said, I’m not going to rationalize with you. We don’t have to talk about it anymore. I know what we agreed to at the start of this, Beck. I just needed to understand why.”
“You know it has nothing to do with you, right? It’s just, I can’t—” Sitting back up, I meet her eyes. There’s no pull to take off my glasses. No need to look away from her beautiful face. “I wish it could be me.”I want it to be me.“But I can’t, and won’t, ask that of you.”
“Beck, honey.” Jensen shakes my shoulders lightly. “I came here because all my ex did was ask me to change. He wants a stay-at-home wife and four plus kids. Now, I commend every woman who does that. This is no diss to them at all, but I never want to be pregnant, that part about me has never even wavered. When I tried to discuss adoption as an option—because it wasn’t that I didn’t want kids, period—he told me no. I put getting my tattoo license on hold because he said it was a waste because I wouldn’t be able to do it after we had kids. He started leavingbaby books and pamphlets about women’s health through ovulation and pregnancy around our apartment.
“He made so many snide comments about what I should want out of my life as a woman. Pushed so many of my girl ‘friends’ on the same agenda that I started believing I was the problem. I can’t even begin to explain how great it was to learn that Callie doesn’t want to have kids at all. All I was told for three years was this is what I should want, and I was apparently behind on this race that I never even wanted to run. I went back to therapy to try to find some sort of peace about this life he wanted me to live.”
Anger radiates through my entire body. “Jen, you know that’s not true, right? You weren’t the problem then, and you’re not now.”
The corners of her mouth tug upward. “I know that. I swear, it took therapy and a hex from Stella for me to, but I do. And, honey, you’re not the problem either. I swear, me asking wasn’t to try to make you feel bad about your reasoning.”
I take a deep breath. “I know, but?—”
“No, no buts, just understanding. If there’s a but later then we’ll talk about it then. For now, there’s simply understanding each other.”
Nodding back is all my brain can manage. There’s a baseball-sized lump in my throat stopping every single piece of my heart that I want to give to her.
Jensen places a small kiss to my forehead. “Get some sleep, Beck.”
My hands flinch against her skin, nearly finding the strength to keep her here with me, but then she gets up and I can’t stop her from going upstairs with Dottie following behind her.
Chapter 25
Jensen
