With a huff, I move Frosty aside and make my way to the front door. James, as promised, is standing outside, hands in his coat pocket.
“Come in,” I say, ushering him in. “Want something to drink?”
“Something hot if you have it.”
My home is dark, aside from the glow of the television. I flip on a light switch and flinch at the bright light. I’m so depressed, I didn’t even bother to turn on the Christmas lights. Everything feels wrong and sad.
James stops to talk to Frosty and then saunters into the kitchen where I’ve started the coffeemaker. I’d rather have hot chocolate—since it fixes everything—but without Eric, I don’t want it.
“He’s having a rough time,” James says, crossing his arms over his chest.
I shoot him a scathing glare. “He’s not the only one.”
“I can see that.”
After making his coffee, I push over the creamer and sugar so he can fix it the way he likes it. He ignores both and drinks it black. Gross. Who doesn’t love sugar?
Sugar makes me think of Eric. Frowning, I snatch a cookie out of a container and eat it. I’m sure I look disgusting since I haven’t showered or eaten anything proper. I couldn’t even go in to work. I’m a mess.
“Why does he get to be the one suffering here?” I demand, shoving another cookie in my mouth. “It’s not fair. We were supposed to do this thing together.”
James nods, wisely not saying a word, allowing me to continue uninterrupted.
“We love each other,” I tell him through my tears. “That should trump everything. Why isn’t that enough? Why am I not enough?”
James sighs and then steps over to me. I allow him to sweep me up in a comforting hug. For a brief moment, I consider what a life with someone reliable and normal would be like. James would fit that bill. We’re a match in Mom’s eyes. I could make it work.
And be unhappy for the rest of your life?
“You know Eric’s always been emotionally stunted,” James says with a chuckle. “Slow on the uptake. Give him some time. He’ll come back around. I give you full permission to make him grovel.”
A laugh sputters out of me. “He really is stupid when it comes to emotions. Only I’d fall in love with someone so difficult.”
“He’s a lucky man,” James tells me, patting my back. “And, believe me, he knows this. Once he comes to terms with it, he’ll make it right. Do you trust me?”
Trust reliable, neighborly James? Ugh. Yes.
But Eric?
I love him with my whole heart, but he’s a wild card. He’ll either stay and fight for love, or he’ll tuck his tail between his legs, running far, far away.
What’ll it be?
I’m terrified of the answer.
Eric
Idiot.
Reckless fool.
An embarrassment.
My talk with Dad went as expected. He exploded on me, reminding me of all the things I already knew. But, at some point, it evolved.
Coward.
That’s the word that got to me. It dug in like a tick and I wasn’t able to fully remove it. The word replays over and over inside my head. I’m infected by the truth of it.
