I’m pretty apprehensive about seeing him again, after all this time.
I follow Ana out of the trailer with my hand to my ribs, pressing against the bubbling there, and, in my pale-blue tea dress, feel a bit like I’m heading to a school dance.
But it’s one I’m excited to be at.
I’m ready for it.
I’m really, really ready for this.
I only briefly catch sight of him, before I get into position.
I don’t know if he sees me, but I see him, in uniform, heading around the back of the cottage, surrounded by crew.
Lisa and Hannah are sitting behind Ana.
‘Where’s Stewart?’ I call out to them, anxiously.
‘Sleeping,’ Lisa calls back. She’s been coming out of herself more lately. I’ve collected her from her school gate most days, done some work with her drama class too, and Mum reckons it’s been helping. I hope so. ‘Nick put him in his trailer.’
‘All right,’ I say, with a deep breath, and a smile.
I have a new co-star for this scene: a sweet little one-year-old called Bess, all dark curls, dimples and chubby creases, who I join in the garden, getting down beside her on the lawn. Her mum remains with us until the last moment, entertaining Bess with a squeezy giraffe, then I take over, with a 1940s rattle, as we’re counted in.
She’s a total pro, and plays along beautifully: laughing, clapping, reaching for the rattle. I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt, being with her like this, but the pain is bearable. What’s passed has passed; I’ve made my peace with that now, and feel full of what might yet be.
Nick’s getting close, walking around the garden’s fence, up to the gate.
I still don’t see him, my focus is all on Bess, but I know he’s there.
My heart knows it too, beating,beating.
Losing interest in the rattle, Bess totters to her feet, grabbing at my hair.
I laugh, taking her hand in mine, extracting it, and my stomach flips in anticipation.
The catch on the gate clicks.
Dipping my chin to my shoulder, I turn towards it.
I do that because I’m meant to, but also because I want to.
And because this scene – pure fiction for them, for now – is very real for us.
My eyes lock with his.
He stares at me.
He looks younger.
Rested.
Sleep suits him, too.
Heart bashing, I stand.
He takes a step towards me.
I remain rooted to the spot.
