And it should have been telling that, despite knowing and insisting to myself and him that it was better that he stay out of my life, I hadn’t pushed as hard as I could have. Sure, I had kept him at a distance, but that wasn’t the same as keeping him out...was it? All it had taken for my resolve to be shaken was for him to see me on the street and chase me down like a crazy person, and suddenly he had reasserted himself into my mind and...my heart as well. Truth be told, it had probably been too late by the time he had hunted me down on that cliff. At that point, he was already back in my life, and my thoughts, his presence at that cliff had only cemented in my head that I was stuck with him. But seeing him coming up the drive, I knew he had come here the moment he’d received my text.
So, maybe I wasn’t so much stuck with him as I was constantly choosing him, even when sense and logic told me it was a bad idea.
“It used to be that I could look at you and know what you were thinking,” Dom said softly, pulling me back to reality with the force of an ice-cold slap. Which was a mixed bag because his hands were still touching me gently, that was nice, but they were also inadvertently causing my shoulder and arm to twinge with hot shots of pain, that wasn’t nearly as nice. “But...not now.”
“I hear that a lot,” I said with a faint laugh. “I worked hard so people couldn’t read my expressions. It makes my job and my life a whole lot easier. And simpler.”
“Yeah...but I used to be able to do it,” he said, and I felt a twinge in my chest at the note of sadness in his voice. “Even when you could fool other people, when you could keep them from knowing, I could still figure it out. Now it’s like...being on the outside.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, not sure what else to say.
“It happens. Like you said, we’ve changed. The things we had to do to get through life have changed us, and you’ve...grown up differently.”
“He says as though it wasn’t me who forced that distance between us.”
“And maybe one day I’ll beat your ass for that,” he said with a chuckle that betrayed the fact that he wouldn’t lay a hand on me in anger. I was as sure of that as I was that he had come running full tilt to find me when I told him my address. Perhaps I had made a lot of changes to myself that weren’t that great, but I didn’t think that was true of Dom. He had always been quick to anger, but he had always been quick to defend someone as well, and if they needed any other help, he was just as quick to hop on the chance. He had always considered himself a fighter, but the truth was, he was more of a defender than anything else. “But right now...I guess I’m ready to accept that things are going to be different. Being pissed off isn’t going to change it.”
“You’re still going to be pissed off, though,” I said with a smile. Just like he could be trusted never to hurt me and always to be there when I needed him, he could also be trusted to be frustrated and angry about something. The truth was, he was justified in being pissed at me. Even if I wouldn’t take it back, even if I believed it was the right thing to do at the time, he was still completely fair to be upset about it. I had left himwithout any explanation, born of a fight that should have never happened, and then completely cut him out of my life while I moved on to the next chapter, a chapter he knew would take me to a dark place that he would never have wanted me to walk into.
“You’re goddamn right I am,” he huffed. “Now hold still, I’m going to put the bandage on.”
He washed his hands again, and I stayed still, telling myself not to move when one of his hands closed around my side and held me in place as he set the bandage over the wound, fixing medical tape to it in a couple of places. With it in place, he was able to tape the rest before bringing out the gauze. He was perfectly professional, and I wondered how many times he’d done this for it to be so easy for him. At the same time, I wondered what it would be like if his hands were touching me in...other ways.
Not that I didn’t have prior knowledge of that, but we had been young, passionate, but inexperienced. Back when I was so stuck on what I wanted that I didn’t know how to get it, and he was unsure what he really wanted. I could still remember how much I had wanted him back then, how much I had ached to be with him in a way that I hadn’t been with anyone else. And what a surprise it had been when one day, he decided to kiss me. Of course, alcohol had played its part, but he had done it, and while it had taken him a while to own up to it when he was sober, he had done it.
That had sparked a whole new set of questions. He had still been unsure if being with another man was something he wanted, let alone be comfortable with. At the same time, I was desperate for more, to confirm that it was in fact happening between us and that it was something I could look forward to, all while trying not to push him too hard, to push him past his comfort zone. Yet at the same time, he was always arguing andfighting with feelings, perhaps for himself, but ultimately for me as well.
Not that my younger self was in a place to complain about what we accomplished, though he certainly would have had a few things to say about how slow it was. After all, I would have given everything in that first moment when he kissed me, and I wouldn’t have regretted it the next day when I had sobered up. At the same time, I was still so young that every fumbling bit of experimentation and fondling between us felt like the sort of paradise I could only fantasize about. But that was the benefit of looking back when you were older and far more experienced.
I didn’t think I would ever own up to it, but I could confidently say I’d had better physical experiences as I grew older. That was expected, though, when you were no longer a horny, fumbling teenage virgin trying to figure out how to have sex with another awkward, fumbling teenager. And yet, in those moments when I allowed myself to think about it, it was with a fondness I could never find replicated with anyone else I had slept with. Even when we had full-on sex, and it was messy, more painful than it needed to be, and not exactly skillful, I could remember him lying next to me afterward, his hair plastered to his forehead with sweat, looking content. Those memories were the ones I summoned when I let myself think back fondly on what it was he and I had done.
But what had changed since then? I couldn’t help but wonder, but I suspected he hadn’t been with that many men; he had said as much, but it wasn’t like he and I had any reason to be honest with one another. Still, even if he had been honest and it had only been a handful, a surprising amount of skill from sex with women still translated to sex with men. Of course, for all I knew, he was a terrible lover, and any fantasies I might have could be met with disappointment if we were ever to put them into practice.
“Huh,” Dom grunted as he finished the last of the wrapping. “Now that I picked up on.”
“What?” I asked warily, thinking I hadn’t exactly been broadcasting anything on my face while I stood staring at the wall rather than distracting us with conversation.
His chuckle was deep and rumbling as he set down the medical tape. He leaned on the counter, his fingers wrapping tightly around the lip of the sink, and leaned so he was able to meet my eyes. There was still a respectful distance between our faces, but that didn’t change the fact that we were physically close enough to be considered intimate. Dom tilted his head back and forth as he looked me over and grunted. “Well, right now you’re looking nervous, a little...watchful. It was the sort of thing you did when someone had a good idea what was going on in your head, and you didn’t want them to.”
“I think a lot of people make a face like that,” I said, leaning back from him. “That’s nothing special. And let’s be honest, there’s bound to be thoughts I wouldn’t want you to know about.”
“Are you trying to use the fact that you’re a crime lord to make me forget what I just noticed?” he asked, and the rotten bastard actually looked amused.
“Then what did you notice?” I asked, knowing I was probably about to call his bluff. “Because you don’t seem too keen on telling me.”
“Alright, I’ll tell you, as soon as you tell me something.”
“I’m not sure that’s how answering questions is supposed to work.”
“It can, if I want it to,” he said with a grin. “Now, my question is, during this whole time...how many times have you pictured me naked?”
I sighed. “Really? The first time you have a real conversation with me, and you go with sex?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did you become prudish and shy?” he asked, raising a brow.
“No, but apparently you got a lot more comfortable making dirty,gayjokes.”
He shrugged. “I’m thirty-three, not seventeen, and wondering if it’s okay for me to like dick.”
