This was not supposed to happen.
She should not have kissed him, nor entreated him to return to her so she could kiss himagain. But such was the force of desire he ignited within her. All reason and rationality had fled. She only wantedhim, mind and body and soul. Now that he had gone—nay, now that she hadcompelledhim to leave—she felt more alone than ever in her life before.
Esme walked over to the fire and sank on her knees onto the thick rug spread before the hearth. She held her hands toward the flames, seeking some comfort from their warmth. But the heat seemed not to reach her. She was chilled through and could not stop trembling.
How could she move forward now?
Just days earlier, she had blithely considered a life without marriage. Without men. She had even contemplated this futurewith something like relief. But that was because she had not known what it was to stand in a man’s arms and believe she belonged there. Had not known what it was to quiver at a man’s touch and long for his kisses.
To feel as if she was not whole without him by her side.
She gazed unseeingly into the burning embers of the fire and felt knowledge twist inside her.
I am falling in love with Adam.
This was the truth she had struggled to admit to herself. The reason Jonah’s poetry affected her so deeply.
And she dared hope that he loved her the same. She saw it in the way he looked at her; the way he held her, as if she were the most precious treasure.
But Adam thought her pure and honest and true. And she was not.
Esme hung her head, unable to prevent hot tears sliding down her cheeks. ’Twas all a bitter mess and there was no way out of it. If she told Adam the truth, she would ruin her image in his eyes and her family’s reputation, all in one swoop.
But she could not continue to lie to him. Not now.
Esme reached out to grasp the arm of the chair and used it to heave herself to her feet. She felt as drained and weary as an old woman.
Perchance things will look clearer, come the morn, she thought. But she did not believe it.
She jumped in fright when Jennifer cleared her throat.How long have I been standing in the shadows?
“Beg pardon, milady. But there’s a man here to see you.”
Esme put a hand to her heart, which was beating so quickly she feared it may fly from her chest. “A man?” she repeated stupidly.
“He says he knows you.” Jennifer avoided her gaze. “John brought him over and Agnes made him wait by the back door,but he said as how he knows you and we shouldn’t treat him so poor.”
A dreadful suspicion began to unfurl in Esme’s belly. She took a breath. “Did he give a name?”
“Aye, milady. He said he was Sir Crispin de Gough.”
Esme’s world tilted. She held onto the back of the chair and desperately hoped this was not really happening.
All the days I have waited.
’Twas cruel irony that he should arrive now.
“But he dinna look like no knight to me, milady,” Jennifer added in a low voice. “Should I fetch Adam?”
“Nay.” Her answer came too forcefully, and the housemaid flinched. “The hour is late,” Esme added quickly, modifying her tone. “And our visitor is correct. Sir Crispin de Gough is indeed known to me. You can show him in, Jennifer.”
Jennifer bobbed into a small curtsy and left Esme alone to frantically gather her composure. She smoothed her hair as best she could; but there was no remedy for the turmoil of her heart. The last time Crispin saw her, she had been bedecked in pearls and ribbons. Now she wore a plain, practical gown, with no adornments. But the biggest change was to Esme as a woman.
She was no longer naïve. And her girlish giddiness had matured with self-reflection.
Moreover, she knew that she didn’t love Crispin. The pull she had once felt toward him was one of simple, base attraction, whipped into something more by the secrecy and intrigue that had heightened their clandestine meetings.
She had never loved Crispin.
